RSVP . . .

Dear Anonymous . . . I truly do appreciate your time in reading my blog and your comment, no matter how inaccurate or ungrounded your reply. It always amazes me how some people, who only know one side of a story, have absolutely no problem jumping on their metaphorical soap box to vent. But then I guess that is what a blog is truly about – being able to put your thoughts and views out there for the whole world to see. The only thing I regret is deleting your comment because my other blog readers, who truly know me and the situation, would have gotten a chuckle from such babblings. However, because I am resourceful, I was able to revive your comment and I will happily post it below . . . In closing . . . I would strongly suggest you work on your math skills because 17 months is only 17 months . . . no matter how much you want it to be more than two years . . .
To my other readers . . . here is the comment I received by “Anonymous” in reference to my "Going To the Chapel" Blog. . . I originally deleted it but I think it warrants further viewing . . .

Lets not forget that YOU walked out on him and threw away your wedding vows (again). And not just 9 months ago, but 17 months ago. That's 2 years and 5 months. So you rip his life apart and now expect him to still be simmering in misery. And to make it sound like he immediately ran into his first wife's arms...they have a freakin' kid together, of course he still was and is in regular contact with her. Thank God (the one I worship, not the one you follow the teachings of when convenient) he was able to put his life back together, after you destroyed it. I said it then and after reading this I'll say it again...you are a selfish person.

E-Trade Makes Parenting Difficult

I am sure most everyone has seen the E-Trade commercial where the little baby is put in time out in his bed because attempted to ride the dog like a horse. Well . . . I have to tell you, the first time I saw that commercial I laughed soooo hard..


The other day when I walked in from work, Andrew said “hey mom, I got in trouble at school today”. I sighed and asked him what he had done to get a conduct mark in his folder. He replies “apparently throwing wood chips on the playground is frowned upon in that establishment”. He used the same inflections, same tone – it was classic. And I just could not help myself . . . I died laughing. Not only because it was really funny and cute, but also because this is the only the second time this school year he has gotten in trouble . . . which in itself is a miracle.

Are you really that happy to be folding someone's underwear?

I was watching TV last night and I noticed a theme on the laundry detergent commercials.  Why, oh why, do the women (because it is always women doing/folding the laundry) look so freaking happy?  They are all smiley and taking big whiffs of air . . . I am a happy person by nature and I tend to laugh and smile but I can honestly say I cannot remember ever being happy and excited about folding clothes.  I think the closest I come to being happy at laundry time is when it is freezing outside and I remember to throw my PJ’s in the dryer while I am in the shower . .  then I run out and put them on while they are nice and toasty . . .

Going to the Chapel . . .

So, this past weekend my ex-husband of a little over nine months got re-married to his first wife. They have a child together and I hope for his sake, they can make things work out this time around. What I am really confused about is why, on God’s green earth, it bothers me that he has gotten remarried.


Now, I do not want him back – not even remotely. So this is why I am so confused about my “feelings” of his recent nuptials. Maybe, it is because I have a hard time believing he could move on so quickly . .. I mean he and I have been apart for 17 months now and I have not even gone on one date. Not even a met someone for coffee. But then again, it is my understanding that the first ex-wife and he began seeing each other pretty much the week after I left . . or at least spending A LOT of time together. . he prefers to not call it dating

Maybe, I have a difficult time believing that he ever even loved me . . . if he can just move on to another, or in this case, turn tail and run to the past. Or possibly, this is one of the most fundamental differences between men and women. Women need time to heal and men feel healing is more about replacement.

So, I am hoping my “healing” time will quicken and I will actually want to meet someone or start dating again. But until then, I think I will just continue to hang out with kiddos and my dogs . . . they are better listeners anyway . . . at least the dogs listen better.

Coupons Anyone?

I took my kiddos to the fair on Friday night. I love the fair . . it takes me back to my childhood when the Lincoln County Fair would come to town. My brother and I would anxiously await the week and then when it arrived it always seemed as if Friday night would NEVER get there. We always went on Friday night. Before we were allowed to ride any of the rides, we had to go with our mom and dad and visit the animals – see what pig one first place and check out the chickens. But the rides . . oh those possible contraptions of death . . .how we looked forward to these. Our favorite, by far, were the swings. Now, back when we were kids, you were allowed reach out and grab the person in front or back of you and pull together. Then, if you were in the back, your main goal was put your hands on the top of swing, put both feet firmly on the back of the seat and launch the person in front of you with all you could muster. If my children even attempted this today, I would die. I honestly cannot believe our parents allowed us on this ride . . . but it was fun.


Now, the State Fair of Texas has lots of great food, the largest pig I have ever seen and Big Tex. As we were standing in line, we were discussing what rides the kids wanted to ride and what food we would buy. I had printed out some half price tickets from the internet and since my brother and the group of people we were meeting had arrived much earlier than we had, I had about 5 extra half price coupons. The lines to get in were rather long on Friday night and as I glanced around trying to figure out who had half price coupons and who did not, I noticed the people directly behind staring at me. Now, I admit, I have people look at me from time to time, typically due to my hair – since it is curly and has a mind of its own and can actually take on its own personality. Then, the lady that was staring at me, leaned over to her female companion and whispered something . . . and they she stared looking and whispering. So I turned around quickly and asked my daughter if I had “bat in my cave” or if my hair was just completely out of control. She said no on the hair, did a quick boogie check and told me I had nothing. So, now I am completely insecure . . . why are these women looking at me? Is my make up too heavy? Do I have a huge zit? Is it time to wax again? As I stand there contemplating all the things that could be wrong, Andrew tells me that I need to hurry up and get rid of our extra coupons because we are next in line. So, I turn around and ask the women who had been talking about me if they needed the tickets . . . They were so happy to have them and thanked me and as I turned to walk away the first lady said … “I just want you to know that you have the prettiest eyes we have ever seen” Then the other lady said “Yes you do, we were just talking about them a little bit ago”. Hmmm . . . I smiled and said thank you and the kids and I went on into the fair.

Now, I am not really sure if that is what they were talking about or if they made that up because I was nice and probably saved them a ton of money on rides that night . . . but I don’t care. It made me smile and feel good about myslef.  Now, I am not one to just talk to random, strange people . . . well yes I am, but it made me think – If something so small as telling someone you think they have pretty eyes can make you feel so great … why don’t we do it more often? I know that I more apt to point out some hideous shirt rather than pointing out a cute hair or nice pair of shoes. So, my goal is to say something nice to someone each and every day . . . wish me luck!

America’s Funniest Videos . . . Friend of Foe?

Last night, I was doing a final pass through the kitchen and general clean up after the kids went to bed. I am a “tidy” person and I don’t like for my kitchen to be a mess. Nothing worse than getting up in the morning to get a cup of coffee and not being able to set your coffee mug down the counter is completely cluttered! There was a bowl left on the counter and it needed rinsing so I reach over and turn on the water. However, instead of the water coming out of the faucet like it should, it shoots across the sink onto me and all over the counter – completely drenching EVERYTHING. Why you may ask . . . well let me tell you.

A few weeks back the kids and I were watching America’s Funniest Videos . . .this happens to be one of our favorite shows. First off, we love animals and little kids and they always have cute/funny videos containing these lovable little creatures. I personally find great amusement in seeing men get hit in the crotch by anything – I usually replace the face of said man with “he who shall not be named” and imagine said crotch shot has caused major and permanent damage. Anyway, one of the videos we saw a while back showed a practical joke a wife played on her husband. She took a rubber band and placed it on the sprayer in the sink so that when her husband turned on the water he got doused. Children can find inspiration in the oddest places.

Now, I did get a little upset since I had a lot more to clean up and I had to change my clothes. I did yell MADISON at the top of my lungs – when she came out and saw her accomplishment she was very pleased with herself and even smiled as she promised me to NEVER do it again. After I changed, I went to her room and knocked – one of the three rules posted on Madison’s door is Knock and Wait for an answer before entering. So I knocked and waited – I stuck my head in and asked nicely for her to never do that again . . .and she promised once again, she would not.

While my initial reaction was irritation . . .secretly I was admiring her spunk to actually pull this stunt. Now, I must watch more closely when we watch this show for any upcoming pranks that could be played on me.

And the winner of the Fried Food Contest is . . . .

I had my first Austin visitors this past weekend. Amanda and Katie came to Dallas to see me and the kiddos and spent the weekend. Our plans were to go to the fair, but when we awoke on Saturday morning to light drizzle in the Frisco area and lots of rain in downtown Dallas, our plans were changed somewhat. We ended up going to a bar to watch the first part of the UT vs UCLA game. What a train wreck that turned out to be! Anyway, we ended up going to the fair later on Saturday afternoon and the weather was perfect!


Now, I have not been to the fair in almost 10 years. The last time I went, my children were ages 1.5 and 3.5 years of age and I had to put them on those “leashes” so I could keep track of them. Some people do not agree with this “inhuman” treatment of children being put on leashes, but I beg to differ. I latched the leash part around a belt loop so there was no strangulation but I still got people commenting on the fact I had them on at all. I have to believe the people who are so opposed to such devices have never had a child just loose all sense of reason and bolt on them in a store or other crowded area. A child under the age of 5 has impulse issues . . . much a like dog chasing a cat. But now that the kids are older and for the most part have their impulse issues under control, no leases were needed.

We ate some great food! Of course, we tried the fried beer, which, in all honesty, was a bit disappointing. We also sampled: Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, fried Oreos, fried cookie dough, fried guacamole, corny dogs and cotton candy. In my opinion, the fried guacamole was absolutely INCREDIBLE.

The cost to ride the “portable devices of doom” was absolutely ridiculous! It cost a minimum of 10 tickets PER Ride – and at $.50 per ticket that is $5 – so my kiddos got to ride 3 rides each. I do plan on taking them back on Friday night to take advantage of ½ price ride night! Woohoo – maybe 6 rides each this time!

Finally, I forgot how much I totally enjoy people watching! Here in Dallas you see a lot of the same – fancy cars, fake boobs and lots of make-up. Not at the fair! OMG the freaks come out to play is an understatement. We saw people dressed identical even though they were not twins. We saw people that I am guessing were a size 10-12 poured into and overflowing out of size 4 clothes – once again, can I reiterate my “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT A BRA”!!!!! And how in the world do these women walk around the state fair in shoes that had to be at minimum 4 inch stiletto heels?

All in all, we had a wonderful time. I am so excited for my girls to come back and see me in December for the Frisco Christmas Lights!!!

I may be going to hell in a handbasket.... or via the delete button

I have come to the realization that I am likely going to be sent to hell for being judgmental. Against my better judgment, I signed up on an internet dating site. I did this first because one of my girlfriends is on one  and one drunk night when I was feeling especially alone, I thought WTF? I also did this because I was morbidly curious to what these sites are all about and lastly, I wanted to see what type of men out there are looking for a girl like me.

Well, apparently 98% of the men out there are freaks. After the first few weeks of browsing my picks for the day and closing or deleting them from my list, I decided to change my criteria somewhat. Now there are a few areas that I am not willing to negotiate with. Number one, you need to speak English. Number two, you need to be as old as or older than me. Number three, you need to like children and animals. Number four, you need to like football, basketball, baseball and NASCAR and you need to really like a wide range of music. Finally, you need to be fun and like to drink – no Debbie Downers allowed.

But no matter how much I broaden my criteria, there still seems to be NO ONE in my stupid Interested List. Then I figured out the problem – ME! I am so judgmental – I was deleting people because of things like: improper use of "there, their and they’re" or other grammatical errors such as run on sentences, incorrect spelling etc. I was not an English major but come on people, basic grammar should be learned by Jr High. Also, I am deleting people if they list their favorite activities as: camping, motorcycles or boating. I realize being from Oklahoma most people typically think that I would be into camping – uh not just no, but hell no. I need complete quiet, darkness and coldness when I sleep - also, I am not scared of bugs or spiders or anything like that but I don’t want to sleep with insects either. Motorcycles scare the crap out of me since my father and brother almost died in accidents and every time I get on a boat – I have a panic attack because I think back to my accident on the lake in 1991.

I also find myself deleting people who are too short – I am short but I like my guys on the bigger side. Preferably 6 foot or taller. I know, I am being picky but I am also being honest. I also delete people who look too much like my ex-husband (self explanatory), those who are into self discovery (I already have two children) and those who use phrases like “he,he” or who write like they are preparing for a thesis. If they dress like hobos or wear dress loafers with shorts and no socks, if they have glamour shots as their profile picture or if my kids look at the profile and the first phrase out of their mouth is “he scares me”, they get deleted.

I have, therefore, come to the conclusion that I am just not ready to date . . . or at a minimum, I am not ready to online date. I will not be renewing my membership and will rely on good old fashioned meeting someone in person. I suppose this means I will, on occasion, have to leave my house to go places other than work and the grocery store.

Daydream or nightmare?

I usually take my kids to do things in evening after I get off work. Movies, library, swimming etc. But once a month, I do something that is totally for me. I get a massage. This is my little piece of heaven on earth and I justify the expense by eating lunch at home every day.


Since I moved, I am on the hunt for the perfect massage therapist. I have only had two massages since my move. The first one was a girl who was more into aroma therapy than rubbing my feet. So she is off the list. When I called to make my last appointment and told her the time I wanted to come in she said “Devin is available and he is wonderful!”. So I agreed to give Devin a shot. My last male massage therapist in Austin was named Zen and he was WONDERFUL. Now, I admit the first time I saw him I was scared to death. Zen is ex military and looked liked he lifted weights about 10 hours a day. He had this beautiful caramel colored skin and surprisingly soft voice. When he walked up to me the first time my initial thought was “Holy Shit! This guy is going to break me in two”. He was huge. But he was excellent and my therapist of choice until I moved.

So, Devin had a huge image to live up to. The day of the appointment I was so looking forward to going in and relaxing. I also admit . . . I planned on doing a little day dreaming with Mariano at the center of my dream . . . since that is the only way I will ever see him again. So I arrive about 5 minutes early and sit down. I hear my name called and I look up and think “WTF”. Devin is all of 5”4’ and if he weighed more than 130 I would be totally surprised. As we walked back to the room my thought process was I can still salvage my relaxing, dream time . . . until Devin started to speak. His voice sounded like a girl . . . so five minutes into the massage (and nonstop jabbering) when he announced that he and his husband had two rescue cats I just gave up. I put Mariano on the shelf and Devin and I began to discuss everything from dog/cat rescue to this seasons color trends. While Devin was sweet and overall game a decent massage . . . I will be asking to try someone different . . . don’t judge me . . . this is MY time!

It's Complicated . . .

So last night the kids and I watched a movie – It’s Complicated. It is based on a divorced couple where the man cheated and got married to his younger adulteress. Then he and the exwife end up hooking up and by the end of the movie, the ex spouses end up NOT together – go figure. Anyway, at one point during the movie the exwife, Merle Streep, is talking with her best friends about her love life . . . or lack there of.

Now I know many may be thinking I am crazy for letting the kids watch this but most of “adult humor” was tame and I have found that by watching it together, this actually allows the kids to ask me questions and facilities conversations about sex that they would probably never bring up on their own. I have found them very helpful and the kids are so much more open to talk about the taboo sex topic.

Anyway, during the scene where the friends are talking one of the women tells the group that she had read a story about a woman who had not had sex in so long that her vagina actually grew back together . . . at which point Andrew leans over to me and says “Mom, that is probably going to happen to you if you don’t start dating again”. Great . . .

Chivalry is not dead . . at least I don't think so . . .

So, I joined a gym. I made this decision a few weeks back. I like to run and work out and have been doing so in the neighborhood for some time, but as of late I have been ambushed by some small, white dog. He hides in waiting and then chases me for a while. I am not sure who the dog belongs to because I never stopped running to see if he had a collar on – I love all animals but he was apparently not a lover of all things human and I would rather not be bitten. So, I joined a gym.

The last gym I was a member of had these wonderful steam rooms, which I have to admit are one of my favorite perks, located in the women’s locker room. This gym has one steam room, co-ed, located by the pool. The first time I entered the steam room I was taken aback because there was a man in there. I was somewhat confused for a second because the steam room is located on the end of the pool by the men’s locker room. Right next to the steam room door hangs a sign indicating the men’s locker room is down the hall – and for a split second I thought I had mistakenly entered the men’s locker room. After I figured it out, I sat down and enjoyed the steam.

Last night, however, was a different story all together. I finished a fairly hard work out – I hit the cardio machine for 30 minutes and then I lifted for me legs; by the end they were like jelly. I changed into my swimming suit and hit the hot tub for 10 minutes before entering the steam room. The steam room is just a tiled room – the benches, walls and ceilings are all tiled with the same material. There is water dripping and water on the benches so you don’t want to just go in there with your gym shorts on because when you walk out your butt is dripping water and well, that is just kinda gross looking.

So, last night, I jumped out of the hot tub, no towel since I was just going to go sit on wet tile anyway. I enter the steam room and the steam is so thick I can barely see. I do make out the figures of two other people in the room. I am hoping against all hope that they are men since they obviously have nothing on the upper portion of their body. I am not a prude necessarily but I find those who are willing to go topless or nude are generally those I would rather not want to look upon. So, I make my way over to the bench on my jelly legs and plop down.

Now, the sound that issued forth from my wet, bare legs and soaking bathing suit hitting and suctioning themselves to the wet tile was nothing less than obnoxious. I swear the “fart” sound echoed off the tiny walls of the room for at least 22 seconds. The man lying on the upper section of seating made a similar sound, twice. I am sure it was from his back suctioning to and from the tiles – what I am not sure of is if this movement was cause from his chivalry in trying to take the attention off of my embarrassing moment – or it was caused by bodily convulsions from him trying NOT to laugh out loud. I will go with the first scenario – I am ever the optimist.

I sat there for about 2 minutes and realized the steam was thinning out and I needed to get out of there before you could actually see the faces of the people in the room – so I hit the door full force under cover of steam. Note to self – next time take a damn towel.

Surprisingly He Repels the Ladies . . .

I had lunch with my son yesterday. I am not sure what it is about having your mom show up at school that is so exciting for a child but apparently it is something all children in 5th grade or below look forward too. At first I thought it was because I often brought in yummy food like Chick Fil A or Whataburger but on occasion I have tested this theory by “surprising” Andrew and just showing up and sitting with him for 15 or 20 while he eats his school bought lunch or the packed lunch from home. He is as equally thrilled with my presence either way. Madison was the same.

Lunch rooms have not really changed much since I was a child. They still have those tiny tables and small seats. The food at the current school, however, is very good. I have eaten lunch with Andrew more times this year than any other just because I can get a good lunch for $2.85 – and that includes a drink! I often check out the lunch menu in the morning to see if they are having the Philly cheese steak sandwich or the chicken salad sandwich. Andrew’s favorite is pasta day because they have these great bread sticks. And everyday you can buy ice cream . . . I admit, I also check out the food other kids bring to school to eat because I get so bored of packing a sandwich or Chef Boyardee all the time and believe there are some interesting things being pulled out of those lunch boxes.

I love to sit and watch the kids with each other and listen to some unusual conversations – like what super power is most supreme verses low or high tip converse shoes – fad or ultimate fashion statement. As Andrew and I sat eating lunch yesterday, I noticed a new kid at our table. I asked who he was and Andrew informed me his name was Nick. I told Andrew I thought Nick was adorable. Andrew leans over to me and says “yeah, but mom surpisingly he just repels the ladies”. He states this as a fact and I ask “why does he repel the ladies” and Andrew says he doesn’t know why, but most of the girls just tend to shy away from him. At this point I look back over a cute little Nick – he has torn open a pack of fruit gushers and instead of picking them up and placing them in his mouth, he is attempting to shove the entire pack of gushers in his mouth at once by sucking them from the opening in the package. It was not at all cute and to be honest a bit gross.

So, I learned two things yesterday at lunch. First, cute little boys can repeal the ladies and secondly, do not send Fruit Gushers to school.

I Like Lists

So I was thinking . . . I know that in itself is a scary thought, but I like to make lists. In fact, I live by lists: packing lists, to do lists, grocery lists and my favorite Christmas lists! So I thought I would put together a list of Shelly’s rules for most anything.

1. Being raised Baptist there were many “rules” that were forced on my person. I am obviously not the submissive, stay at home at home, barefoot and pregnant type . .. well maybe barefoot but that is a technicality. But there is one rule that I do live by – not matter your age, your size, your color or your religion you never, ever leave the house without a bra. And the fact people are often traipsing about without panties is utterly unthinkable to me - I am talking to you Brittany Spears and all you weirdo's at Wal Mart.

2. Always tell the truth – one of my best and worst faults is that I am honest . . . even if your friend asks you if something looks okay or if you can see her underwear through the white pants . . you tell her the truth. I live by this rule because I would rather have someone tell me that my ass looks five ax handles wide or that I have a huge chunk of spinach in my teeth so that I may fix the problem rather than walking around looking like a complete dork.

3. There are some great “quick tips” out there – like if you lose the back to your earring you could use an eraser or if you do not have baking powder you can use baking soda and cream of tater instead. However, the quick tip on freezing leftover wine in ice trays to use in soups or marinades later is utterly ridiculous . . I mean seriously . . . who has left over wine? Just drink the damn wine. Which leads me to this tip – do not have left over wine. . . either drink it or share it. This also applies to beer.

4. For most situations, begging for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission. This is genuinely helpful in situations that may tax the “intestinal fortitude” of certain individuals of decision making positions. If you have the moxy to try it and it fails . . well beg for forgiveness - if it is a success . . .well then you get credit for being brave. However, there are certain situations where this practice is NEVER acceptable: fidelity to one’s spouse, tax evasion and fessing up to your allegiance to a particular NASCAR driver.

5. This one relates back to rule number 1. Just because you should wear a bra does not mean that everyone on God’s green earth should be able to see it while you are clothed. This includes straps and those cute little bras that tend to peek out of low cut shirts or daringly low cut sweaters and vests. If I want to see a bra I will look at my own – thank you.

6. We live in America people and I am pretty darn sure almost every home has running water . . . so please shower or bathe at least every other day. Why is it that I can walk past people in the store and almost be knocked down by what can only be 3-5 day body odor? I completely get the “going green” and “conserve water” theories but seriously – going green does not mean to grow green things upon your person.

7. Eat dinner together as a family . . . now, I know this one seems a bit old fashioned but I seriously think the best way to keep up with what your children or other family members are doing is to actually talk to them. I make my kids sit down and eat dinner with me every single night and now they actually like to help with the cooking . . . OMG the torture my poor children must go through!

Okay – so that is all I have right now . . . if I come up with more I will blog them later . . . Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

I Would Like to Marry My Dog . . .or Someone Just Like Him . .

After much thought and deliberation, I have made a life changing decision. When I decide to date again, it will to be with a man that has the same qualities of my dog, Charlie . . . with a few exceptions.

First off, dogs in general, tend to have a keen sense in the judgment of character. So note to self . . .must introduce Charlie to prospects early on the get his paw of approval. Secondly, I am and have always been a HUGE animal person. I have had a pet of almost every type of animal there is and if the mysterious Mr. X does not love animals as much as I do, then we need not go any further. Finally, studies show those who own a pet live longer, happier lives . . . so let’s get going.

I will list my reasons Mr. X must be like Charlie . . . but they are NOT listed in order of importance.

1. Charlie is cute as a bug . . .

2. No matter if I have been out of the room for 5 minutes or have left Charlie to go to work all day, he is always and I mean always happy to see me return.

3. When I do return back to Charlie’s presence he gives me sweet kisses and acknowledges me with more than a glance or grunt.

4. Charlie likes to go with me everywhere I go – regardless if I am just running to grocery store or going on a 7 hour drive to OK, he is always game!

5. When I am sick, Charlie is genuinely concerned for my well being – not because he is scared he won’t get dinner, but because he knows I don’t feel well and that makes him sad.

6. Charlie likes to watch the same TV programs I like to watch. These basically consist of cooking shows, HGTV and Animal Cops – however I do see signs of concern occasionally during Animal Cops when there is lots of barking and meowing. I take this as a sign of mutual concern rather than irritation.

7. When I cry, Charlie just sits there and comforts me . .. he does not try to fix anything . . . because he really understands that sometimes I just need to cry.

8. Charlie approves of my wardrobe . . . he especially likes my monkey house shoes but I do have to admit his attempting to snatch them off my feet as we climb the stairs can be a bit hazardous.

9. Charlie does not get jealous when I go out for a girl’s night . . . I allow him his time with his friends and he allows me time with mine because he knows I love him very much and would never run off with another dog.

10. Charlie likes my cooking . . .well, every now and then when I try something new and extravagant and I decide it is not so hot, he has turned tail and run . . but I cannot blame him. I put that down to good taste rather than bad manners.

11. Charlie likes the children – he plays with them, doesn’t mind “kid sitting” on occasion and helps to clean up any food messes they make.

12. Charlie does not like to snuggle all the time . . . I am a very “warm” sleeper and I do not like to snuggle either because I get too warm and I cannot sleep – Charlie allows the perfect amount of room in the bed so he can reach over and give me a kiss without curling up right next to me and causing me to have hot flashes.

With that said, there are a few things that I would hope Mr. X does not have in common with Charlie . . .

1. If bored, Charlie will shred a roll(s) of toilet paper so that is looks like piles of snow throughout the house. This is a big NO, NO.

2. Charlie will, when the mood strikes him, hump things – people, other animals or inanimate objects – this is a HUGE no, no! Crotch sniffing is also out!

3. Charlie does not like for me to shut the bathroom door . . . uh, we don’t need any visuals so I will just say – deal with the bathroom door being shut on occasion.

4. Charlie licks himself. . . won’t go there either . . .

So, that is how I have come to the decision Mr. X should have most of the same characteristics of Charlie . . . Most of all, I am pretty sure if I locked Mr. X and Charlie in the closet or the trunk of my car . . . Charlie would still be happy to see me after I let them out . . .

That Would Have Been Nice to Know . . .

So I wake up at 2:13 am on Saturday morning . . . but what woke me up? As I lay there trying to go back to sleep I hear it . . the sound that woke me. “BEEP”!!!! Or course, one of the smoke detectors obviously has a battery that is going dead. Really? At 2:13? It cannot go out at 2:00 in the afternoon . . . I am somewhat vertically challenged so I head down stairs to the garage and get the ladder, find a new battery (that I keep for just such occasions) and head back upstairs. I change the stupid “bleeping” battery and put up the ladder and get back in bed. Then I start to think . . . what other things always seem to present themselves at times that are not great . . . or that would have been better to know beforehand.

1. That “R” rating on the movie was for more than the occasional dropping of the “F Bomb”
2. Oops, there is no toilet paper within reach when you really need it.
3. Your son or someone else has left the toilet seat up and you have already been seated
4. The person cutting your hair has NEVER even touched naturally curly hair before.
5. The couple you have invited over for dinner are vegans - as you set a plate of steak on the table
6. Your significant other has a fetish for strippers
7. That cute bunny tattoo on your bikini line will look like a Great Dane during pregnancy and a blob after you give birth
8. Your high school basketball coach is/was a pedophile
9. The milk has gone bad
10. The county you have moved to is DRY . . . Yes, I said Dry. Won’t make that mistake again.

If you can think of other things, I would love to hear of them.

Jiffy Lube and the Muffin Men

So . . . My car did not pass inspection which meant I had to embark on the entire process of getting the darn thing fixed. The type of work it needed done was not something my daddy could do – he is not a muffler man – he is an engine man! So, I set out to calling different places to see what the new catalytic converter would cost. I was in shock. Prices ranged from $400 to $500 . . .until I called this one place.

Now, I promised the kid on the phone I would not tell anyone he gave me the number because he did not want to get in trouble for referring people to his buddy’s place of business. So I won’t say the name of the Company but I will say it rhymes with Tidas. He refers me to a place called Muffin Muffler – yes, I said Muffin and after I got over my giggling fit he gave me the number and I called. So I go and get the repairs done for $250 and I take my car to some other place after driving it for 100 miles. Apparently the car has the “reboot” system of Windows and it takes FOREVER for it to reset or fix itself. So, I take the car, have it checked and YES – Victory at last. But of course the people who tell me it will now pass inspection do not actually DO the inspection. So I head off to Jiffy Lube.

The ever friendly workers at JL greeted me at my car and helped me inside. It had been raining and the water from outside and the oil on the floor inside do not mix . . .literally and I almost fell on my butt. Anyway, two guys tackled my car – at first I thought this was because I was such a valued customer and then I realized I was the only person in the shop.

Then the kid who initially greeted me comes walking in. Tall and kinda lanky and very talkative. He tells me he is from Lufkin and has recently moved here to attend AA counseling and he has hopes of moving to a “sober house” soon. After which he hopes to start some college courses. He asked questions about me and I answered and he was really a nice kid – 24 years of age, liked to talk and apparently just a drinker because he refused to ever do any drugs. Oh, and he used to be a roughneck and has a cousin who lives in OK and his parents are really proud of him for going into rehab.

Then another car pulled up and out he went to greet and work. Within five minutes my car was finished, I paid and got in my car. There was lots of paperwork sitting on my dash so I started putting it up when I heard a knock on my window. It was the tall lanky kid – he said “I just wanted to tell you to have a nice day . . “ and I was thinking he is so sweet . . . then he handed me a piece of paper and said “you should call me sometime”. OMG! I smiled and said thanks and drove like Jeff Gordon to get out of there.

Here are my objections to this entire situation – he is 13 years my junior and to be honest. . . if he is a recovering alcoholic I am probably the last person on the face of the earth he should even consider hanging out with. Finally – I am pretty sure he only weighed about 110 pounds . .. soaking wet and there is no way in HELL I would “call someone” skinner and lighter than me . . . that is just wrong - I am not a very big person and if you are smaller than me you are either a midget or just plain scrawny.

Promises VS Reality

So usually my blogs are full of funny stories about my kids and my dog. But I do have a serious side. Many of you know that I recently divorced and I have been through some tough times over the past year. It has been a journey of a lot of self reflection and I have learned much about myself.

I did what I think many people do. I fell in love with someone who promised me the moon but was never able to deliver even the basics of a good and healthy relationship. Sometime I think we get so caught up in the promise we forget to look at the reality. Promises are easy to make . . . but life is what we do every single day. Promises are nice for things we want … a beach house, a new car or that ultimate vacation. Promises should never revolve around our everyday life . . . the ability to communicate, to be better with the kids/family or even to simply spend time with one another.

I read something today that really hit me hard because I realized it was exactly what I had done. Here is the quote: If one settles for a less than pleasing relationships out of the fear of being single and the longing to be a couple, once the relationships falter, the result will be a life full of heartaches. If choosing to remain in the relationship, it will certainly lead to living a life that is not the one truthfully desired..

I wanted so badly to believe in the promises that I kept overlooking the glaring truth. Of course in the end there was the preverbal “straw that broke that camel’s back” but looking back . . . I realized I simply settled. I settled for being someone’s option rather than their priority.

I am writing in part to get this out of my system and part in hopes of that it may help someone else not to make the same mistake I made. So here is my list of things I will insist on when I finally decide to start dating again . . . however I don’t think that will be for while.

1. You must be able to communicate and share your thoughts, feelings and needs. I am not a mind reader and a true relationship must have the ability to communicate. There should never be a topic that is deemed “off limits”.

2. You must show affection. There should be touches, hand holding, kisses and caresses just because . . .

3. You must be dependable. Yes, this means you should be able to hold down a job and help to provide for a family. . . . but dependability goes much further. You should be willing to help out with everyday chores and events. You should be willing to spend time with your family . . . school events, outings with the children, family events and things other than the yearly vacation.

4. Trust – I should not worry about leaving the kids with you. You should put my feelings before others. I should be able to talk to you without fear that you will be mad . . . I should never have to walk on egg shells. I should not worry about what you might bring home from a work trip or night out with the boys – be it an article of clothing that does not belong to you or some communicable disease.

5. You must love me for who I am. Please do not try to change me. I am from Oklahoma and I do speak with a tad bit of an accent . . . I do have sayings that are not always common to others. I like to work in the yard and my nails may not always be manicured perfectly and I have curly, often frizzy hair. My past and all that I have experienced makes me who I am today. I am not perfect, I will disappoint you at sometime for some reason, but that is not personal, that only means I am human.

6. You must realize that I LOVE animals and I will always cry when I see the HSUS or SPCA commercials on TV. I will always choose to adopt a pet rather than buy one with a pedigree. And I honestly think dogs are often a better judge of character than most people.

7. You must be willing to go out and do things I like to do. I will go with you to do things you like and all I ask is that on occasion we go to see a Broadway play or to listen to live music or dancing.

8. Understand that I like to have alone time . . . this does not mean I do not like/love you. This just means that I need time to decompress.

9. I am goofy . . . I like to have fun. This does not mean I am not serious about life or work. But it does mean that on occasion, I turn the music up loud and dance around the house with my kids, I may pass gas just get a laugh from my family and practical jokes are things to be admired.

10. Finally, remember, I am a female. I have the ability to mow the lawn, fix almost anything wrong with my car and I love most sports and can probably beat you in basketball and golf. However, I am a girl; I may cry and get upset over things that seem silly to you. And just because I have the ability to do all of the above . . . does not mean I don’t need or want your help with them . . .

Okay, so that is my list and I know I will probably be adding to it . . . in the end . . . I want all my friends to know . . . NEVER settle for less than what you want . . . NEVER settle for less than what you need . . . We all deserve to be happy . . . and remember promises are nice but life is real . . . so live your life to the fullest.

Every now and then, as a parent, you have one of those “ I am doing something right” moments. Like a few weeks ago when Andrew informed me he wanted to save most of his $400 dollars (cash, not gift cards) to help pay for his college expenses. He did say he would like to spend $50 or so on a new game for the Xbox Santa so clever delivered during the blizzard in OK, but he did want to contribute to his higher education expense. However, tonight was NOT one of those nights. In fact, tonight was enough to scare the hell out of me.

We were sharing one of those extra special mother son moments tonight – yes, we were watching The Bachelor on ABC. We watched in silence for the first 30 minutes or so . . . then Andrew began to ask questions on how things worked, why the roses were important and why all the girls seemed so young and “girly and giggly”. As I explained, I saw a glimmer in his eye – now I honestly thought “he is hoping someday he can be the BACHELOR”. Not my competitive son. Andrew is the person who will bet on just about anything – how many pieces of macaroni do think are left on my plate? How much do you want to bet that I can eat the entire container of ice cream? Or the fact he thinks he can out run, out score and out play anyone at anything.

Anyway, back to The Bachelor. He looked at me and said “Mom, do they have a show where a woman gets to pick a man instead of the man picking from all the women?” I told him yes and the premise is the same but there is one woman who gets to chose from 25 men. This is when the proud moment came. He then told me he wanted to be on The Bachelorette. I tried to explain to him the difference of being the ONE picking from many verses vying for the affection of one woman (who apparently has issues if she is one TV trying to find true love). Andrew did not seem to grasp this serious concept. I then attempted a different approach “ Andrew, do you seriously want to be trying to win a woman who is probably kissing 20 other men at the same time – comparing you to them?” He looked very perplexed and thoughtful and I was sure I had succeeded in getting my point across until he said “ I should start practicing kissing soon so I can win”. Seriously? WTF? At which point he declared when he was announced the winner of the game (note – not the woman, the game) he said he would turn to the camera and announce “Touchdown” with both hands held high displaying the “scored sign” in football. God help me – I am not sure if I should be proud or completely dismayed. All I know for sure is that I will probably need help stronger than a bottle of wine a Calgon bath.