So a few days ago I was talking to a friend who questioned why I was not dating or seeing anyone since it has been two years since the end of my marriage. I answered the same as I answer everyone else that asks me the same question. I just simply do not feel the need to nor do I really go out and meet new people. I have a busy life that is full of love from friends and family and I am blessed with two of the best kiddos anyone could ask for. But this answer did not suffice . . . she thinks that I have to miss having that “someone” to talk to and the affection and communication that goes into a relationship. Admittedly, I dream at night of having someone to talk to that understands the trials of raising a teenage daughter and pre-pubescent boy and some affection every now and then would be nice. At which point she comes to the grand conclusion that I have built a wall around me and the only ones allowed past said wall are a few of my closest friends and family.
I have heard this “put up a wall” comment a lot. But I have never really thought about it that much until lately. I think I would agree there is one hell of a wall around me . . . but I did not put it there. Rather, I think it was formed for the most part over my entire marriage. All of the “stones” that were thrown at me over those nine years telling me how no matter I did, I was wrong or never good enough, how my manner of dress or speaking were not up to par or no matter how much I gave and tried it was never enough. How I was always too hard or way too easy on the kids and the fact he made more money automatically made him superior. Well those stones which were thrown to tear me down so he could rebuild me into what he thought was the ideal wife actually just tore me down. And as those stones chipped away at ME that is what formed the wall. Then it was cemented into place with lie upon lie.
I am not a man hater and I do believe in love. I just don’t understand why people think you have to have a man in your life to be complete. I have wonderful men in my life – God, my daddy, my brother and my son. I have some of the greatest friends, male and female, that anyone could ever ask for. I am healthy, I am happy and I am ME again. I do hope to meet someone some day . . but I am not pushing it. All good things come to those who wait and I am not afraid to be alone with myself because I actually like who I am.
