Shelly's Thoughts. . . .

Double Take

2011-12-01T14:21:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine from Austin and I were having a conversation the other day about “Double Standards”. Both she and I are single and it irritates us both that men can go out and date as many women as they want and have multiple partners but if a woman dates more than one man she is labeled a “whore”. Now, I am not much of a dater myself but I find the double standard irritating none the less. But this got me to thinking of other double standards that are out which are just as irritating.

Why is okay for two women to be together romantically but it is frowned upon for men?
How can a man and woman be in the same position at work yet the woman is generally paid less?
If a man takes charge and speaks his mind he is assertive but if a woman does the same she is a bitch.
You insist your significant other doesn’t speak or have any type of communication with their ex but it’s okay for you to talk and even hang out or dine with yours.
Multiple partners – he’s a stud and she’s a slut.
If a man asks a question of his partner he is concerned but if a woman asks she being nosey?
When you drive assertively or aggressively it is okay but if someone else does they are being an ass?
You expect someone to be civil to you even when you treat or judge them unfairly?
If a man dresses nice he’s deemed high quality or affluent but a woman who dresses impeccably is thought of as high maintenance.
Why is okay for a man to date a woman 10 years his junior but a woman is looked down upon typically?

These are just some of the things that make me wonder what in the hell is wrong with society today.

TV Wars . . .

2011-10-24T13:59:00.001-05:00

Living with an almost 12 year old boy and a 13 and half year old girl poses many challenges. One of the biggest issues we face is control of the TV. This confuses me too because we have two large TV’s in our home. One is in the living room and is 55” and the other is up stairs at 62”. The one upstairs is in a media room and this room can be completely shut off from the rest of the house so you go up there an turn the darn thing up as loud as you like. Regardless, the TV in the down stairs living area always seems to be the “golden child”. I rarely get involved in the “what are we going to watch” discussions because I honestly do not watch that much TV. There are certain times I exercise my mommy rights and take control of the remote but that typically involves a Cowboy football game (Dallas or OSU) or the Rangers playing. When the arguments break out on who gets to decide and I suggest someone go upstairs and watch their show or even go lay in my bed and relax but I get shot down with responses of “this TV is bigger” or I like the couch down here better. Well, the TV upstairs is in all actuality bigger than the one down stairs and need I remind you we nicknamed the couch upstairs the “comfy couch” for a reason. But the battles rage on . . . .

Last night I decided to settle down in my room and watch the Ranger game because when I walked through the living room the kids were both watching the same show and everyone seemed at peace. So, I threw the dogs into bed and we snuggled down to watch the game. Then the oddest thing occurred . . . within10 minutes Andrew wanders into my room and decides to sit on the foot of the bed and watch the game. Within the next 5 minutes Madison has claimed the passenger side of the bed. I thought she got bored a few minutes in because she got up and left . . . but promptly returned with the laptop in hand. So for the next 3 hours we all watched the game, in my room on the smallest TV in the house . . . I just don’t get it.

Envy and Jelousy . . .

2011-09-26T11:13:00.000-05:00

I love to read. I will read just about anything. I recently read an article that I found very, very interesting and thought I would share some of the highlights. It dealt with jealousy and envy.

Jealousy is normal in almost every aspect of our lives. It is an emotion we feel toward people and relationships and possessions. There are times I see couples walking in the park holding hands and I get the “I wish I could have that with someone” feeling. Or I see that gorgeous woman sitting at a table and all I can think is “I love her shoes” . . .or my friend tells me she is going to Vegas for the weekend . . . "I am so jealous... I wish I could have that . . .”

Envy is a negative emotion based on self-comparison. I think to some extent we all compare ourselves to others. Many take it to the “keeping up with the Joneses” level where they feel the need to have what everyone else owns or possess to be happy or have self worth. They envy the material possessions but can also envy emotional traits such as happiness or “social status” which are deemed better than what they have achieved. They envy past relationships because they are scared what he had with her is better than what he will ever have with you.

Here is a quote from the article I read:

“"But to feel jealous you need not have any sense of what that third party is like," notes Smith. Envy, on the other hand, derives from the basic fact that so much of the spoils of life come from how we compare to others. It arises when another person possesses some trait or object that you want, and includes a mix of discontent, a sense of inferiority, and a frustration that may be tinged with resentment.”

We can be jealous of people and what we THINK they have and how it is somehow superior to our own situation. In reality how well do we really know the other persons true story? That sweet couple walking in the park holding hands may be taking their last stroll before he tells her he wants a divorce. That friend who is going to Vegas may be traveling to escape some family trouble she does not want to discuss. Would I still be jealous knowing all of this?

As I thought on the aspect of envy I can honestly say that there are very few things that I envy – now. A few years back I was very envious of many things that other people had in their life. But now, I don’t feel that way. What is the difference? I finally found ME again. I quit trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I realized my own self worth. I quit counting everyone else’s blessings and started to count my own.

“Envy comes from people’s ignorance of, or lack of belief in, their own gifts.” – Jean Vanier

There will always be those who attempt to destroy your happiness but I think it is far sadder when we destroy our own by allowing negative emotions to control our lives. Why dwell on things we have no control over? Why compare what you have now with what you think others have or had? Why not chose to be happy and quit comparing? I know I have and can honestly say my life is better now than it has ever been.

I think Ralph Waldo Emerson says it best – Envy is Ignorance.

Can You Smell That?

2011-09-25T11:33:00.001-05:00

It always amazes me how hearing a song can bring back a specific moment in time. I went to the Journey concert last night with my sister in law and we had a wonderful time. With every song that was played, it took me back to some point in my adolescence. Music can be the bridge between the present and past and I truly believe music can convey things that words alone cannot convey.

As I remembered these moments it seemed interesting to me that these memories were also accompanied by a strong sense of smell. When I think back to my happiest moments in my childhood I cannot remember all the details but the one thing I can remember vividly are certain smells. My grandmother’s house was always warm but it had the most amazing aroma when you walked in the door. It was like a cross between chicken and noodles and apple pie. When I smell tobacco and rubber/oil the presence of my father washes over like a tidal wave. When I smell cow manure (I know gross) it reminds me of life in OK as a child.

I have a very poor sense of smell in general and I cannot smell many things. Skunks, bodily functions and natural gas escape my olfactory senses. However I can smell people and I am not talking about their perfume or cologne. Everyone seems to have their own scent. I am not talking about foul, I have not showered in days odor, I am talking about that unique smell that everyone has. My brother and mother smell the same to me. My daughter and her father also have the same smell to me. When Madison would get ill as a child, I could always tell when she had a fever because her scent became very different. It is odd, however, I cannot for the life of me smell my son and that makes me rather sad. I am guessing this is because he and I have the same smell.

These sudden rushes of memories are not always pleasant. The smell of cherry reminds me of the fluoride I swallowed at the dentist office and I got very sick. The smell of Captain Morgans transports me back a particular bar in OKC where I wound up tying my hair back with toilet paper and was dubbed Charmin for the rest of the evening.

Regardless, I enjoy the times of reflection, good and bad. I think my favorite smells in the entire world are: puppy breath, freshly mown grass and rain. What smells make you remember?

Little Known Facts About Me . . .

2011-09-22T11:49:00.000-05:00

I am trying to blog more regularly but there are times I have a difficult time coming up with a topic. I usually try to make mental notes when something happens to make that a blog topic but when I actually have time to write, the note has disappeared. So, I thought I would just list some random facts about me that most people probably do not know.

I think I have ADD as well as a mild case of OCD . . . or CDO (the letters should be in order). Sadly, I am pretty sure I have passed these traits on to Andrew. Maddie seems pretty normal thank God.

I have mild hearing loss in my right ear and when in loud, hectic places I tend to only hear all the background din and have to resort to some lip reading to make sure I understand what is said. So, if you are ever talking to me and I turn my head slightly, I am not ignoring you, I am just trying to hear you.

My normal body temperature is around 96.7 degrees. Both Madison and Andrew have average body temps that are similar to mine. However, I tend to be very warmed natured – while most people are cold or cool . . . well, I feel like I have some type of internal oven blasting. I have been this way since I was a little girl.

I do not care for sweets. I do not eat many things like ice cream, doughnuts, cakes, cookies or anything that requires syrup. In fact, the smell of syrup makes me want to throw up. I do however, have an unnatural love of french fries and chicken wings.

I played basketball in high school. While I am only 5’2”, I was very good at shooting 3 point shots and handling the ball. I also played softball, golf and ran track.

I have never sang karaoke. Although, I have been caught on numerous occasions singing in my office.

I prefer metal and old rock to country and pop.

I always wanted to have 5 children . . . all boys so I could have my own basketball team. I am thoroughly happy with my two wonderful children I have now.

Growing up I was teased relentlessly because of my very curly hair. I also sucked my thumb until I was 13 . . . which intensified the teasing.

I have a fear of loosing all my teeth and have nightmares on a regular basis of this happening.

Hope you have learned something new about me. And if there is anything you want to know, all you have to do is ask . . .

Go Quietly . . .

2011-09-19T11:10:00.002-05:00

Recently I was asked if I could go back in time to just one point and do it all over again, would I and what point would it be? This is a tricky question but I love things that really make my wheels turn.

Most people would assume I would go back and take away the decision to marry. If I chose to say no to Clifton, then I would not have my two beautiful children. Even though our marriage did not make it, I genuinely think he is a good person. While my second marriage has left me scarred more than I could ever imagine, I would not go back and say no to that either. The same actions that resulted in the scars have also allowed me to grow in a way I would never have been able to do on my own.

There are times I can remember such as car accidents, too much to drink, that awful dress I wore to the Snow Ball in high school or wasting a week on preparing a report that never was sent out because it deemed “Not Needed After all”. But these seem trivial and not worthy of my only time travel experience.

There is only one time I can really think of that would justify revisiting. There was a certain man in my past who should have been one of those people that you admire and look up to. He was a man of “authority” but he was also a man of many demons it would seem. While I made a stand for myself against him, ultimately I was asked by “the powers that be” to keep it quiet and he would be taken care of swiftly as to not cause any embarrassment to myself or the school. I stayed quiet and he moved on to another school, where he ultimately ended up doing the same thing to other girls. In the end, he ended up at two difference schools and at some point served some time in the pokey where I can only hope he received his just deserts.

Now, I am not saying I would go back in time to take away what he did to me. I am saying I would go back in time but not allow him to go quietly. Why? Because apparently that is how we got him – the girl (s) before me stayed quiet. Had I chosen to speak up maybe I would have been the last one.

So, if you ever wonder why I am not the “quiet” type . . . well, I have tried that and I find that speaking up is better for everyone. Sometimes the truth may not be easy to say or hear but it is better to be truthful than allow the lie to continue . . .

9-11

2011-09-11T18:41:00.001-05:00

Today is a hard day for America. I lived in Dallas when the towers went down. I was at work gathered in the conference room with my coworkers and we all sat in silence and watched as the second plane hit the tower. My kiddos were very young at the time and were at daycare. Their father was leaving that morning to fly to Washington to visit his brother. I tried to call him to make sure he was okay and at least on his way but for over an hour I could not get in touch with him. I knew his plane was not taken but it made me think of all those poor children who were going to be without their mothers and fathers or sisters and brothers. How heart breaking to have the footage of their death out there for the entire world to see - over and over again. I ended up picking Cliff up at the airport that day then I went and picked up the kids from daycare. I remember just wanting to hug them and never let them go.

I am sure that we all take a second look now when we see a plane in the sky and we all remember that infamous day. I pray for those who lost someone. I pray that we as a nation will never have to face something of that nature again. My heart is heavy today and I pray for peace - let us all remember what is truly important in this crazy world.

He loves me, He loves me not . . .

2011-08-29T13:25:00.002-05:00

Recently someone asked me if I believed in true love. Now, for most people this answer should be easy but for me it takes a lot of thought. After much consideration I have to say, Yes, I believe in true love. I believe it is possible . . I choose to believe it is possible . . .I need to believe it is possible.

I think the biggest issue we face in finding true love is the fact most people are “in love” with the idea of being “in love” and they try to force it. There is an old country song with the lyrics “if it don’t come easy you gotta let it go….” I am a firm believer in this philosophy. Do not get me wrong, I know there will be conflict and things couples will need to work out, but if your relationship consists of constantly working things out rather than just being together there is a problem.

I also believe people force “true love” because they are tired of being alone or they feel lonely. I am not afraid to be alone; in fact, I look forward to my alone time. Being single for so long has not been overly difficult on me. I have my children to keep me busy and company but there are time I would welcome that special someone to share things with and I feel the sense of “lonely” creep in. However, one of the worst feelings in the world is crawling into bed at night, pulling up the covers and feeling a deep sense of loneliness and a void that splits your soul while lying next to your spouse.

To quote The Notebook . . . “It is the possibilities that keep us going, not the guarantee”. When we are guaranteed something, we ultimately end up taking it for granted and not working to maintain that which is already ours. I look forward to the possibility of true love . . .

Snake in the Grass . . .

2011-08-26T14:09:00.001-05:00

I am not sure which I find more disappointing. The fact that a woman who is so insecure with herself and her relationship that she spews insults and rolls her eyes at the mention of my name or the fact she is likely going to be the step mother of my children.

I am not sure why this sudden dislike occurred. When I lived in Austin she and I would talk, email and were friends on Facebook. Then when I moved here . . . well suddenly I become the antichrist. For me, I could honestly care less if she likes me. I have never been one to base my self worth on what others think about me. However, when her petty and childish outbursts start to affect my children I begin to have a very big problem with such behavior.

The one thing I learned a long time ago, especially when you are going to be blending a family, is that under no circumstances do you ever say anything negative or derogatory about the other parent or step parent. It is not healthy for the children and in the end it is not healthy for your relationship. I personally think that this is common sense but then again, those who feel they are highly educated are often void of the common sense gene. Not only does it make you look bad but in the end it will end up driving a wedge in the relationship of the kids and their father.

I am hoping this conduct will come to and end or at a bare minimum will not occur in front of my children in the future. She can vent all she wants to her soon to be spouse and I have actually given her the open opportunity to vent to me directly. However, like most cowards, she would prefer to direct her venom on the innocent. But rest assured, if it happens again, she will be dealing with me, whether she wants to or not.

Okay, I feel much better . . .

This post was edited slightly to ensure credibility

These Kids and Their Questions . . . .

2011-07-21T10:37:00.000-05:00

I like to think my children and I have a very open and honest relationship with each other. They know they can come to me and ask me any question and I will answer it to the best of my ability no matter what the subject matter. I do tend to edit the answers to be age appropriate. And I do admit, on a few occasions I have had to “get back to you on that one” because I either had to Google the answer of just regain my composure. Andrew tends to be the most inquisitive and has asked me to explain things such as dry humping and where the term douche bag came from and “exactly what is a douche?”

Andrew and I went to dinner about a week ago and we were discussing every from school and girls to the current state of NFL football. As we were walking out of the restaurant he said “Mom, I want to ask you and question and this could possible be me the most important question I ever ask you”. Inwardly I thought I was about to go insane because Andrew has no reservations and will ask anything. Outwardly I attempted to appear calm and cool. As we walked, Andrew took my hand and said in his most calm and concerned voice, “Mom, do you know the Muffin Man . . . “ I just busted out laughing . .. and almost cried from relief.

Then Madison and I were watching a show the other night and the phrase ‘kill two birds with one stone” was mentioned. Madison looks at me and says “I don’t get it mom, they say you can kill two birds with one stone . . . but how many times can you throw that one stone?” Umm . . . I have no idea.

Rome was NOT built in a day . . . nor was this wall . . .

2011-06-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

So a few days ago I was talking to a friend who questioned why I was not dating or seeing anyone since it has been two years since the end of my marriage. I answered the same as I answer everyone else that asks me the same question. I just simply do not feel the need to nor do I really go out and meet new people. I have a busy life that is full of love from friends and family and I am blessed with two of the best kiddos anyone could ask for. But this answer did not suffice . . . she thinks that I have to miss having that “someone” to talk to and the affection and communication that goes into a relationship. Admittedly, I dream at night of having someone to talk to that understands the trials of raising a teenage daughter and pre-pubescent boy and some affection every now and then would be nice. At which point she comes to the grand conclusion that I have built a wall around me and the only ones allowed past said wall are a few of my closest friends and family.

I have heard this “put up a wall” comment a lot. But I have never really thought about it that much until lately. I think I would agree there is one hell of a wall around me . . . but I did not put it there. Rather, I think it was formed for the most part over my entire marriage. All of the “stones” that were thrown at me over those nine years telling me how no matter I did, I was wrong or never good enough, how my manner of dress or speaking were not up to par or no matter how much I gave and tried it was never enough. How I was always too hard or way too easy on the kids and the fact he made more money automatically made him superior. Well those stones which were thrown to tear me down so he could rebuild me into what he thought was the ideal wife actually just tore me down. And as those stones chipped away at ME that is what formed the wall. Then it was cemented into place with lie upon lie.

I am not a man hater and I do believe in love. I just don’t understand why people think you have to have a man in your life to be complete. I have wonderful men in my life – God, my daddy, my brother and my son. I have some of the greatest friends, male and female, that anyone could ever ask for. I am healthy, I am happy and I am ME again. I do hope to meet someone some day . . but I am not pushing it. All good things come to those who wait and I am not afraid to be alone with myself because I actually like who I am.

What's My Vibe?

2011-03-07T14:19:00.000-06:00

Well . . . a few blogs back I wrote about dating tips for me . . . and at that time, early January, I honestly thought an attempted mauling in the parking lot was probably about as bad as a “first date” could get. Boy, was I wrong.

I signed back up on Match.com because, in all honesty, I just don’t go out anywhere to meet single people. I have my kiddos with me the majority of the time so we do a lot of family things and all of my friends are married and apparently, so are all of their friends. So, I thought wheat the hell . . .I will give it another try.

Now, I met a really nice guy but found out he is not divorced . . in fact he was not even close to being divorced. He had only been separated from his wife a month at best . . so I passed on that lovely situation.

Then, I met the marine. The few, the proud the angry, resentful and bitter. OMG! Right off the bat the guy starts asking me if I am into “anal” . . really? Let me answer this with a big HELL NO! Then the next day when I do not answer his text within 15 minutes, he starts throwing a little texting temper tantrum . . to which I do not respond because my kids are with me and really, at this point I am somewhat disturbed. So, finally, I call him and told him I did not think it would be a good idea for us to see each other – EVER AGAIN and not to call me. And to his credit, he did not call but he has blown up my phone with text messages that contain vulgarity that would make a sailor blush. However I believe he has given up – thank God.

Finally, this past weekend I was invited out for a drink or the opportunity to “burn one” with a seemingly nice gentleman. I am not a judgmental personal and if you want to burn one, go right ahead, but I think I will sit out.
So, needless to say I will not ever, EVER, go back on match.com. And it is possible I need to work on my vibe that I am throwing out – because I do not want to be giving out the “anal pot smoker” vibe. I would rather give off the – I am nice, stable and not crazy vibe . . .

Today is NOT the day . . .

2011-01-24T19:59:00.002-06:00

So after a great weekend, I had one shitty Monday. Really, everything that could go wrong went wrong. Work was stressful and I feel like I am beating my head against the wall with certain things. I come home at lunch to let my dogs out and of course they had made a horrible mess. I go back to work and beat my head against the same freaking wall and stayed an hour late to get things done. Then I head home. The kids are fighting, Madison won’t eat the dinner I fix and again . . . I feel like I am beating my head against the wall. Everything seems to be a complete fight today . . . This is the hardest part of being a single parent. On days like today there is no one here to help take on some of the load. I have to be the provider, launderer, the chef, the scheduler and when things go wrong I have to be the person to shell out the discipline and then the one to comfort them 5 minutes later . . . even when they are still pissed off at me. I know they say God only gives you what you can handle but I seriously think God over estimates my abilities these days . . .

Dating Tips For me . . .

2011-01-04T16:00:00.000-06:00

So I met a guy for a drink the other night – I do not call this a “date” because it only lasted about an hour and I was ready to leave 15 minutes into the entire thing. First, I am not sure I am cut out to date the true “Dallas” type person. I was country born and country raised and I am pretty darn sure I have a different outlook on things than most of these wannabe millionaires.

So I have decided to come up with a list of “DON’TS” for a first date with me ( and I am gonna go ahead say this would probably apply to most ladies in general).

1. You do not know me well enough 5 minutes in to the first meeting to even attempt to hold my hand. So don’t try. And if you somehow get my hand in yours and I rip it away like you have the plague – take the sign.

2. Please do not bash your ex wife on the fist date. I realize there were issues – that is why you are divorced. But calling her names, insulting her intelligence and/or criticizing her in any way only makes you look like the douche bag you are.

3. I do not want to hear about your sex life or lack there of on the first meeting. Hell, I am a born again virgin at 19 months and there is no way your finding that out until MUCH later on.

4. Do not attempt or ask me to change my “visitation schedule” with my children in the mere hope of spending more time with me. If I want to spend time with you – I will but attempting to change that facet of my life is a big HELL NO.

5. If you are going to insist on walking me to my car, be a gentleman. Do NOT attempt to maul me in the parking lot. If I wanted to kiss you, you will definitely know – and by the way genius, if I have already torn my hand out of your freaking bear claw grip go ahead and make the assumption you are not getting a kiss.

Okay – there you go. I think these are common sense issues – I just wish there were more common men out there.

RSVP . . .

2010-12-04T08:45:00.002-06:00

Dear Anonymous . . . I truly do appreciate your time in reading my blog and your comment, no matter how inaccurate or ungrounded your reply. It always amazes me how some people, who only know one side of a story, have absolutely no problem jumping on their metaphorical soap box to vent. But then I guess that is what a blog is truly about – being able to put your thoughts and views out there for the whole world to see. The only thing I regret is deleting your comment because my other blog readers, who truly know me and the situation, would have gotten a chuckle from such babblings. However, because I am resourceful, I was able to revive your comment and I will happily post it below . . . In closing . . . I would strongly suggest you work on your math skills because 17 months is only 17 months . . . no matter how much you want it to be more than two years . . .
To my other readers . . . here is the comment I received by “Anonymous” in reference to my "Going To the Chapel" Blog. . . I originally deleted it but I think it warrants further viewing . . .

Lets not forget that YOU walked out on him and threw away your wedding vows (again). And not just 9 months ago, but 17 months ago. That's 2 years and 5 months. So you rip his life apart and now expect him to still be simmering in misery. And to make it sound like he immediately ran into his first wife's arms...they have a freakin' kid together, of course he still was and is in regular contact with her. Thank God (the one I worship, not the one you follow the teachings of when convenient) he was able to put his life back together, after you destroyed it. I said it then and after reading this I'll say it again...you are a selfish person.

E-Trade Makes Parenting Difficult

2010-11-15T20:23:00.001-06:00

I am sure most everyone has seen the E-Trade commercial where the little baby is put in time out in his bed because attempted to ride the dog like a horse. Well . . . I have to tell you, the first time I saw that commercial I laughed soooo hard..

The other day when I walked in from work, Andrew said “hey mom, I got in trouble at school today”. I sighed and asked him what he had done to get a conduct mark in his folder. He replies “apparently throwing wood chips on the playground is frowned upon in that establishment”. He used the same inflections, same tone – it was classic. And I just could not help myself . . . I died laughing. Not only because it was really funny and cute, but also because this is the only the second time this school year he has gotten in trouble . . . which in itself is a miracle.

Are you really that happy to be folding someone's underwear?

2010-10-12T08:38:00.000-05:00

I was watching TV last night and I noticed a theme on the laundry detergent commercials. Why, oh why, do the women (because it is always women doing/folding the laundry) look so freaking happy? They are all smiley and taking big whiffs of air . . . I am a happy person by nature and I tend to laugh and smile but I can honestly say I cannot remember ever being happy and excited about folding clothes. I think the closest I come to being happy at laundry time is when it is freezing outside and I remember to throw my PJ’s in the dryer while I am in the shower . . then I run out and put them on while they are nice and toasty . . .

Going to the Chapel . . .

2010-10-11T13:21:00.002-05:00

So, this past weekend my ex-husband of a little over nine months got re-married to his first wife. They have a child together and I hope for his sake, they can make things work out this time around. What I am really confused about is why, on God’s green earth, it bothers me that he has gotten remarried.

Now, I do not want him back – not even remotely. So this is why I am so confused about my “feelings” of his recent nuptials. Maybe, it is because I have a hard time believing he could move on so quickly . .. I mean he and I have been apart for 17 months now and I have not even gone on one date. Not even a met someone for coffee. But then again, it is my understanding that the first ex-wife and he began seeing each other pretty much the week after I left . . or at least spending A LOT of time together. . he prefers to not call it dating

Maybe, I have a difficult time believing that he ever even loved me . . . if he can just move on to another, or in this case, turn tail and run to the past. Or possibly, this is one of the most fundamental differences between men and women. Women need time to heal and men feel healing is more about replacement.

So, I am hoping my “healing” time will quicken and I will actually want to meet someone or start dating again. But until then, I think I will just continue to hang out with kiddos and my dogs . . . they are better listeners anyway . . . at least the dogs listen better.

Coupons Anyone?

2010-10-04T15:55:00.000-05:00

I took my kiddos to the fair on Friday night. I love the fair . . it takes me back to my childhood when the Lincoln County Fair would come to town. My brother and I would anxiously await the week and then when it arrived it always seemed as if Friday night would NEVER get there. We always went on Friday night. Before we were allowed to ride any of the rides, we had to go with our mom and dad and visit the animals – see what pig one first place and check out the chickens. But the rides . . oh those possible contraptions of death . . .how we looked forward to these. Our favorite, by far, were the swings. Now, back when we were kids, you were allowed reach out and grab the person in front or back of you and pull together. Then, if you were in the back, your main goal was put your hands on the top of swing, put both feet firmly on the back of the seat and launch the person in front of you with all you could muster. If my children even attempted this today, I would die. I honestly cannot believe our parents allowed us on this ride . . . but it was fun.

Now, the State Fair of Texas has lots of great food, the largest pig I have ever seen and Big Tex. As we were standing in line, we were discussing what rides the kids wanted to ride and what food we would buy. I had printed out some half price tickets from the internet and since my brother and the group of people we were meeting had arrived much earlier than we had, I had about 5 extra half price coupons. The lines to get in were rather long on Friday night and as I glanced around trying to figure out who had half price coupons and who did not, I noticed the people directly behind staring at me. Now, I admit, I have people look at me from time to time, typically due to my hair – since it is curly and has a mind of its own and can actually take on its own personality. Then, the lady that was staring at me, leaned over to her female companion and whispered something . . . and they she stared looking and whispering. So I turned around quickly and asked my daughter if I had “bat in my cave” or if my hair was just completely out of control. She said no on the hair, did a quick boogie check and told me I had nothing. So, now I am completely insecure . . . why are these women looking at me? Is my make up too heavy? Do I have a huge zit? Is it time to wax again? As I stand there contemplating all the things that could be wrong, Andrew tells me that I need to hurry up and get rid of our extra coupons because we are next in line. So, I turn around and ask the women who had been talking about me if they needed the tickets . . . They were so happy to have them and thanked me and as I turned to walk away the first lady said … “I just want you to know that you have the prettiest eyes we have ever seen” Then the other lady said “Yes you do, we were just talking about them a little bit ago”. Hmmm . . . I smiled and said thank you and the kids and I went on into the fair.

Now, I am not really sure if that is what they were talking about or if they made that up because I was nice and probably saved them a ton of money on rides that night . . . but I don’t care. It made me smile and feel good about myslef. Now, I am not one to just talk to random, strange people . . . well yes I am, but it made me think – If something so small as telling someone you think they have pretty eyes can make you feel so great … why don’t we do it more often? I know that I more apt to point out some hideous shirt rather than pointing out a cute hair or nice pair of shoes. So, my goal is to say something nice to someone each and every day . . . wish me luck!

America’s Funniest Videos . . . Friend of Foe?

2010-09-30T11:35:00.003-05:00

Last night, I was doing a final pass through the kitchen and general clean up after the kids went to bed. I am a “tidy” person and I don’t like for my kitchen to be a mess. Nothing worse than getting up in the morning to get a cup of coffee and not being able to set your coffee mug down the counter is completely cluttered! There was a bowl left on the counter and it needed rinsing so I reach over and turn on the water. However, instead of the water coming out of the faucet like it should, it shoots across the sink onto me and all over the counter – completely drenching EVERYTHING. Why you may ask . . . well let me tell you.

A few weeks back the kids and I were watching America’s Funniest Videos . . .this happens to be one of our favorite shows. First off, we love animals and little kids and they always have cute/funny videos containing these lovable little creatures. I personally find great amusement in seeing men get hit in the crotch by anything – I usually replace the face of said man with “he who shall not be named” and imagine said crotch shot has caused major and permanent damage. Anyway, one of the videos we saw a while back showed a practical joke a wife played on her husband. She took a rubber band and placed it on the sprayer in the sink so that when her husband turned on the water he got doused. Children can find inspiration in the oddest places.

Now, I did get a little upset since I had a lot more to clean up and I had to change my clothes. I did yell MADISON at the top of my lungs – when she came out and saw her accomplishment she was very pleased with herself and even smiled as she promised me to NEVER do it again. After I changed, I went to her room and knocked – one of the three rules posted on Madison’s door is Knock and Wait for an answer before entering. So I knocked and waited – I stuck my head in and asked nicely for her to never do that again . . .and she promised once again, she would not.

While my initial reaction was irritation . . .secretly I was admiring her spunk to actually pull this stunt. Now, I must watch more closely when we watch this show for any upcoming pranks that could be played on me.

And the winner of the Fried Food Contest is . . . .

2010-09-27T14:30:00.000-05:00

I had my first Austin visitors this past weekend. Amanda and Katie came to Dallas to see me and the kiddos and spent the weekend. Our plans were to go to the fair, but when we awoke on Saturday morning to light drizzle in the Frisco area and lots of rain in downtown Dallas, our plans were changed somewhat. We ended up going to a bar to watch the first part of the UT vs UCLA game. What a train wreck that turned out to be! Anyway, we ended up going to the fair later on Saturday afternoon and the weather was perfect!

Now, I have not been to the fair in almost 10 years. The last time I went, my children were ages 1.5 and 3.5 years of age and I had to put them on those “leashes” so I could keep track of them. Some people do not agree with this “inhuman” treatment of children being put on leashes, but I beg to differ. I latched the leash part around a belt loop so there was no strangulation but I still got people commenting on the fact I had them on at all. I have to believe the people who are so opposed to such devices have never had a child just loose all sense of reason and bolt on them in a store or other crowded area. A child under the age of 5 has impulse issues . . . much a like dog chasing a cat. But now that the kids are older and for the most part have their impulse issues under control, no leases were needed.

We ate some great food! Of course, we tried the fried beer, which, in all honesty, was a bit disappointing. We also sampled: Belgian waffles with strawberries and whipped cream, fried Oreos, fried cookie dough, fried guacamole, corny dogs and cotton candy. In my opinion, the fried guacamole was absolutely INCREDIBLE.

The cost to ride the “portable devices of doom” was absolutely ridiculous! It cost a minimum of 10 tickets PER Ride – and at $.50 per ticket that is $5 – so my kiddos got to ride 3 rides each. I do plan on taking them back on Friday night to take advantage of ½ price ride night! Woohoo – maybe 6 rides each this time!

Finally, I forgot how much I totally enjoy people watching! Here in Dallas you see a lot of the same – fancy cars, fake boobs and lots of make-up. Not at the fair! OMG the freaks come out to play is an understatement. We saw people dressed identical even though they were not twins. We saw people that I am guessing were a size 10-12 poured into and overflowing out of size 4 clothes – once again, can I reiterate my “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE WITHOUT A BRA”!!!!! And how in the world do these women walk around the state fair in shoes that had to be at minimum 4 inch stiletto heels?

All in all, we had a wonderful time. I am so excited for my girls to come back and see me in December for the Frisco Christmas Lights!!!

I may be going to hell in a handbasket.... or via the delete button

2010-09-01T16:44:00.001-05:00

I have come to the realization that I am likely going to be sent to hell for being judgmental. Against my better judgment, I signed up on an internet dating site. I did this first because one of my girlfriends is on one and one drunk night when I was feeling especially alone, I thought WTF? I also did this because I was morbidly curious to what these sites are all about and lastly, I wanted to see what type of men out there are looking for a girl like me.

Well, apparently 98% of the men out there are freaks. After the first few weeks of browsing my picks for the day and closing or deleting them from my list, I decided to change my criteria somewhat. Now there are a few areas that I am not willing to negotiate with. Number one, you need to speak English. Number two, you need to be as old as or older than me. Number three, you need to like children and animals. Number four, you need to like football, basketball, baseball and NASCAR and you need to really like a wide range of music. Finally, you need to be fun and like to drink – no Debbie Downers allowed.

But no matter how much I broaden my criteria, there still seems to be NO ONE in my stupid Interested List. Then I figured out the problem – ME! I am so judgmental – I was deleting people because of things like: improper use of "there, their and they’re" or other grammatical errors such as run on sentences, incorrect spelling etc. I was not an English major but come on people, basic grammar should be learned by Jr High. Also, I am deleting people if they list their favorite activities as: camping, motorcycles or boating. I realize being from Oklahoma most people typically think that I would be into camping – uh not just no, but hell no. I need complete quiet, darkness and coldness when I sleep - also, I am not scared of bugs or spiders or anything like that but I don’t want to sleep with insects either. Motorcycles scare the crap out of me since my father and brother almost died in accidents and every time I get on a boat – I have a panic attack because I think back to my accident on the lake in 1991.

I also find myself deleting people who are too short – I am short but I like my guys on the bigger side. Preferably 6 foot or taller. I know, I am being picky but I am also being honest. I also delete people who look too much like my ex-husband (self explanatory), those who are into self discovery (I already have two children) and those who use phrases like “he,he” or who write like they are preparing for a thesis. If they dress like hobos or wear dress loafers with shorts and no socks, if they have glamour shots as their profile picture or if my kids look at the profile and the first phrase out of their mouth is “he scares me”, they get deleted.

I have, therefore, come to the conclusion that I am just not ready to date . . . or at a minimum, I am not ready to online date. I will not be renewing my membership and will rely on good old fashioned meeting someone in person. I suppose this means I will, on occasion, have to leave my house to go places other than work and the grocery store.

Daydream or nightmare?

2010-07-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

I usually take my kids to do things in evening after I get off work. Movies, library, swimming etc. But once a month, I do something that is totally for me. I get a massage. This is my little piece of heaven on earth and I justify the expense by eating lunch at home every day.

Since I moved, I am on the hunt for the perfect massage therapist. I have only had two massages since my move. The first one was a girl who was more into aroma therapy than rubbing my feet. So she is off the list. When I called to make my last appointment and told her the time I wanted to come in she said “Devin is available and he is wonderful!”. So I agreed to give Devin a shot. My last male massage therapist in Austin was named Zen and he was WONDERFUL. Now, I admit the first time I saw him I was scared to death. Zen is ex military and looked liked he lifted weights about 10 hours a day. He had this beautiful caramel colored skin and surprisingly soft voice. When he walked up to me the first time my initial thought was “Holy Shit! This guy is going to break me in two”. He was huge. But he was excellent and my therapist of choice until I moved.

So, Devin had a huge image to live up to. The day of the appointment I was so looking forward to going in and relaxing. I also admit . . . I planned on doing a little day dreaming with Mariano at the center of my dream . . . since that is the only way I will ever see him again. So I arrive about 5 minutes early and sit down. I hear my name called and I look up and think “WTF”. Devin is all of 5”4’ and if he weighed more than 130 I would be totally surprised. As we walked back to the room my thought process was I can still salvage my relaxing, dream time . . . until Devin started to speak. His voice sounded like a girl . . . so five minutes into the massage (and nonstop jabbering) when he announced that he and his husband had two rescue cats I just gave up. I put Mariano on the shelf and Devin and I began to discuss everything from dog/cat rescue to this seasons color trends. While Devin was sweet and overall game a decent massage . . . I will be asking to try someone different . . . don’t judge me . . . this is MY time!

Cancun Baby . . .

2010-07-23T09:10:00.000-05:00

So I took the kids to Cancun Mexico for a week and I have to tell you, it was one of the BEST vacations I have ever taken. First, I love the ocean, in fact, I love it so much my new plan is to save enough money to buy a house on the ocean for retirement. I might even consider Mexico . . .

So while in Mexico we took several day trips. The first was to the Isla Mujeres where we snorkeled, hung out on a private beach and then went shopping. We left at 9am and the boat ride over was a blast. For some reason, I seemed to be the only person drinking beer at 9:30 but I am a morning person and I am guessing the other people on the boat were either not morning people or were hung over from the night before. The crew on the boat was dancing, singing and just having a great time.
Madison is my quiet child, she pretty much keeps to herself, but Andrew, well, 15 minutes into the boat ride he and I already knew all the crew members by name and almost everyone who was on the top part of the boat with us. We took pictures with them at the island and then we rented a golf cart and drove around the island. It was really nice. The boat ride home was even more fun. Basically I think this was due to the fact almost everyone else of age had started drinking – I mean good grief, it was 4:00 in the afternoon by this point and we are all on VACATION! Andrew was sitting by his girlfriend – this cute little girl that was from Brazil. She only knew a little bit of English but I guess the language barrier is not a factor when your source of entertainment are a bunch of drunk people dancing around the top of boat and watching the crew get dressed up like Bob Marley and an ugly woman with boobs made out of plastic cups.

For some reason, the whole dancing thing started with . . . me. Felipe, the youngest member seemed to grab me up to and we proceeded to “get low” to the tune by Flo Rida. It took about 45 seconds of us dancing before all the women on the boat were up dancing around and slapping their asses. One particular beauty was in a tiny pink bikini and in all honesty, you could not tell if she had on bottoms from the front view because of her FUPA. She was a larger woman from England, really pale and her tiny bikini top showed off her Piglet and Pooh tattoo above each breast perfectly.

Anyway, the trip ended, we are all waiting to get off the boat and that is when I really got know Mariano, the boats Capitan and MC. I had noticed Mariano because he was the one doing most of the talking on the mic and because, he was totally hot. I kept sneaking peeks at him on the ride home but in all honesty I did not think he really noticed me . . . until it was time to get off the boat. As I walked off the boat and met my mom, cousin and kiddos they were like “What is wrong” and all I could say was “he kissed me”. Now this raised some eyebrows because most of the crew members, while sweet and fun, were not someone you would probably think kissing is a good thing . . . I finally clarified who the kisser was and they felt a bit better for my sanity.

The next day, Wednesday, we went to swim with the dolphins which my mother loved! We also spent the day with at the water park where we all got water/swimsuit wedgies and just had a great time. We a great woman her little girl from Scotland - I loved talking to them because I think that accent is just AWESOME!!!! Espeically coming out of the mouth of a four year old.

Thursday Andrew, TJ (my cousin) and I went on a different snorkeling trip. My mother and Madison did not go. Madison was really sunburned and my mom did want to get her hair wet. The snorkeling guide was 17 and had spent a semester in North Carolina. His English was pretty good and we were able to see some great reefs and fish. When we got back to the hotel, I talked to the person I had bought the trip from and asked about a refund for my mom and Madison since they did not go . .. and he suggested Andrew and I take another excursion on Friday – LIGHT BULB!!!!! I casually asked if there was room on the Isla Mujeres tour and praise be to God, there was room.

Andrew and I get up on Friday and head back to the tour company. Now as soon as we get there the crew members come and ask us where we are going and we tell them on the trip with them and they seemed pleased. When it is time to load the boat Andrew and I head back upstairs and as soon as I sit down, the boat has not even started moving yet, Leo and Felipe are handing me beer and I oblige. The hour long boat trip to the island and about 8 beers later, Andrew and decide no snorkeling this time – we are just gonna hang out on the beach and relax. It just so happens Mariano decides to stay on the beach too. This is probably the best day of my life – well other than the day I birthed my children. I am lying on the beach in a hammock, drinking cold beer, watching my son swim and find shells and I have this bronzed man all to myself for about 2 hours. Now, nothing serious happened on the beach or the boat and I feel like I want to keep all those details to myself because . . . that way I can keep the day dream alive. But it is the first time in a very, very long time that I have felt alive again. When we got back to Cancun, he did ask me when I was leaving and when I told him first thing in the morning, he said something in Spanish that I am guessing translated, loosely, into “Darn”. He got a my full name, address and phone number and the next time he comes to Texas to see his brother . . I hope he calls. If not, the fantasy shall live on.

But all in all the vacation was awesome. We got pounded by some serious waves in the ocean, played water volley ball, beach volley ball, ate until I wanted to die and had access to free beer 24/7. That is what I call paradise.

Our Dancing Bartender

Iguana!

Mom and Felipe

Madison, Leo and Shelly

Shelly and Mariano

It's Complicated . . .

2010-07-07T19:41:00.002-05:00

So last night the kids and I watched a movie – It’s Complicated. It is based on a divorced couple where the man cheated and got married to his younger adulteress. Then he and the exwife end up hooking up and by the end of the movie, the ex spouses end up NOT together – go figure. Anyway, at one point during the movie the exwife, Merle Streep, is talking with her best friends about her love life . . . or lack there of.

Now I know many may be thinking I am crazy for letting the kids watch this but most of “adult humor” was tame and I have found that by watching it together, this actually allows the kids to ask me questions and facilities conversations about sex that they would probably never bring up on their own. I have found them very helpful and the kids are so much more open to talk about the taboo sex topic.

Anyway, during the scene where the friends are talking one of the women tells the group that she had read a story about a woman who had not had sex in so long that her vagina actually grew back together . . . at which point Andrew leans over to me and says “Mom, that is probably going to happen to you if you don’t start dating again”. Great . . .

Chivalry is not dead . . at least I don't think so . . .

2010-05-06T13:28:00.001-05:00

So, I joined a gym. I made this decision a few weeks back. I like to run and work out and have been doing so in the neighborhood for some time, but as of late I have been ambushed by some small, white dog. He hides in waiting and then chases me for a while. I am not sure who the dog belongs to because I never stopped running to see if he had a collar on – I love all animals but he was apparently not a lover of all things human and I would rather not be bitten. So, I joined a gym.

The last gym I was a member of had these wonderful steam rooms, which I have to admit are one of my favorite perks, located in the women’s locker room. This gym has one steam room, co-ed, located by the pool. The first time I entered the steam room I was taken aback because there was a man in there. I was somewhat confused for a second because the steam room is located on the end of the pool by the men’s locker room. Right next to the steam room door hangs a sign indicating the men’s locker room is down the hall – and for a split second I thought I had mistakenly entered the men’s locker room. After I figured it out, I sat down and enjoyed the steam.

Last night, however, was a different story all together. I finished a fairly hard work out – I hit the cardio machine for 30 minutes and then I lifted for me legs; by the end they were like jelly. I changed into my swimming suit and hit the hot tub for 10 minutes before entering the steam room. The steam room is just a tiled room – the benches, walls and ceilings are all tiled with the same material. There is water dripping and water on the benches so you don’t want to just go in there with your gym shorts on because when you walk out your butt is dripping water and well, that is just kinda gross looking.

So, last night, I jumped out of the hot tub, no towel since I was just going to go sit on wet tile anyway. I enter the steam room and the steam is so thick I can barely see. I do make out the figures of two other people in the room. I am hoping against all hope that they are men since they obviously have nothing on the upper portion of their body. I am not a prude necessarily but I find those who are willing to go topless or nude are generally those I would rather not want to look upon. So, I make my way over to the bench on my jelly legs and plop down.

Now, the sound that issued forth from my wet, bare legs and soaking bathing suit hitting and suctioning themselves to the wet tile was nothing less than obnoxious. I swear the “fart” sound echoed off the tiny walls of the room for at least 22 seconds. The man lying on the upper section of seating made a similar sound, twice. I am sure it was from his back suctioning to and from the tiles – what I am not sure of is if this movement was cause from his chivalry in trying to take the attention off of my embarrassing moment – or it was caused by bodily convulsions from him trying NOT to laugh out loud. I will go with the first scenario – I am ever the optimist.

I sat there for about 2 minutes and realized the steam was thinning out and I needed to get out of there before you could actually see the faces of the people in the room – so I hit the door full force under cover of steam. Note to self – next time take a damn towel.

Surprisingly He Repels the Ladies . . .

2010-04-16T14:03:00.003-05:00

I had lunch with my son yesterday. I am not sure what it is about having your mom show up at school that is so exciting for a child but apparently it is something all children in 5th grade or below look forward too. At first I thought it was because I often brought in yummy food like Chick Fil A or Whataburger but on occasion I have tested this theory by “surprising” Andrew and just showing up and sitting with him for 15 or 20 while he eats his school bought lunch or the packed lunch from home. He is as equally thrilled with my presence either way. Madison was the same.

Lunch rooms have not really changed much since I was a child. They still have those tiny tables and small seats. The food at the current school, however, is very good. I have eaten lunch with Andrew more times this year than any other just because I can get a good lunch for $2.85 – and that includes a drink! I often check out the lunch menu in the morning to see if they are having the Philly cheese steak sandwich or the chicken salad sandwich. Andrew’s favorite is pasta day because they have these great bread sticks. And everyday you can buy ice cream . . . I admit, I also check out the food other kids bring to school to eat because I get so bored of packing a sandwich or Chef Boyardee all the time and believe there are some interesting things being pulled out of those lunch boxes.

I love to sit and watch the kids with each other and listen to some unusual conversations – like what super power is most supreme verses low or high tip converse shoes – fad or ultimate fashion statement. As Andrew and I sat eating lunch yesterday, I noticed a new kid at our table. I asked who he was and Andrew informed me his name was Nick. I told Andrew I thought Nick was adorable. Andrew leans over to me and says “yeah, but mom surpisingly he just repels the ladies”. He states this as a fact and I ask “why does he repel the ladies” and Andrew says he doesn’t know why, but most of the girls just tend to shy away from him. At this point I look back over a cute little Nick – he has torn open a pack of fruit gushers and instead of picking them up and placing them in his mouth, he is attempting to shove the entire pack of gushers in his mouth at once by sucking them from the opening in the package. It was not at all cute and to be honest a bit gross.

So, I learned two things yesterday at lunch. First, cute little boys can repeal the ladies and secondly, do not send Fruit Gushers to school.

I Like Lists

2010-04-09T13:20:00.003-05:00

So I was thinking . . . I know that in itself is a scary thought, but I like to make lists. In fact, I live by lists: packing lists, to do lists, grocery lists and my favorite Christmas lists! So I thought I would put together a list of Shelly’s rules for most anything.

1. Being raised Baptist there were many “rules” that were forced on my person. I am obviously not the submissive, stay at home at home, barefoot and pregnant type . .. well maybe barefoot but that is a technicality. But there is one rule that I do live by – not matter your age, your size, your color or your religion you never, ever leave the house without a bra. And the fact people are often traipsing about without panties is utterly unthinkable to me - I am talking to you Brittany Spears and all you weirdo's at Wal Mart.

2. Always tell the truth – one of my best and worst faults is that I am honest . . . even if your friend asks you if something looks okay or if you can see her underwear through the white pants . . you tell her the truth. I live by this rule because I would rather have someone tell me that my ass looks five ax handles wide or that I have a huge chunk of spinach in my teeth so that I may fix the problem rather than walking around looking like a complete dork.

3. There are some great “quick tips” out there – like if you lose the back to your earring you could use an eraser or if you do not have baking powder you can use baking soda and cream of tater instead. However, the quick tip on freezing leftover wine in ice trays to use in soups or marinades later is utterly ridiculous . . I mean seriously . . . who has left over wine? Just drink the damn wine. Which leads me to this tip – do not have left over wine. . . either drink it or share it. This also applies to beer.

4. For most situations, begging for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission. This is genuinely helpful in situations that may tax the “intestinal fortitude” of certain individuals of decision making positions. If you have the moxy to try it and it fails . . well beg for forgiveness - if it is a success . . .well then you get credit for being brave. However, there are certain situations where this practice is NEVER acceptable: fidelity to one’s spouse, tax evasion and fessing up to your allegiance to a particular NASCAR driver.

5. This one relates back to rule number 1. Just because you should wear a bra does not mean that everyone on God’s green earth should be able to see it while you are clothed. This includes straps and those cute little bras that tend to peek out of low cut shirts or daringly low cut sweaters and vests. If I want to see a bra I will look at my own – thank you.

6. We live in America people and I am pretty darn sure almost every home has running water . . . so please shower or bathe at least every other day. Why is it that I can walk past people in the store and almost be knocked down by what can only be 3-5 day body odor? I completely get the “going green” and “conserve water” theories but seriously – going green does not mean to grow green things upon your person.

7. Eat dinner together as a family . . . now, I know this one seems a bit old fashioned but I seriously think the best way to keep up with what your children or other family members are doing is to actually talk to them. I make my kids sit down and eat dinner with me every single night and now they actually like to help with the cooking . . . OMG the torture my poor children must go through!

Okay – so that is all I have right now . . . if I come up with more I will blog them later . . . Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

I Would Like to Marry My Dog . . .or Someone Just Like Him . .

2010-03-24T15:48:00.000-05:00

After much thought and deliberation, I have made a life changing decision. When I decide to date again, it will to be with a man that has the same qualities of my dog, Charlie . . . with a few exceptions.

First off, dogs in general, tend to have a keen sense in the judgment of character. So note to self . . .must introduce Charlie to prospects early on the get his paw of approval. Secondly, I am and have always been a HUGE animal person. I have had a pet of almost every type of animal there is and if the mysterious Mr. X does not love animals as much as I do, then we need not go any further. Finally, studies show those who own a pet live longer, happier lives . . . so let’s get going.

I will list my reasons Mr. X must be like Charlie . . . but they are NOT listed in order of importance.

1. Charlie is cute as a bug . . .

2. No matter if I have been out of the room for 5 minutes or have left Charlie to go to work all day, he is always and I mean always happy to see me return.

3. When I do return back to Charlie’s presence he gives me sweet kisses and acknowledges me with more than a glance or grunt.

4. Charlie likes to go with me everywhere I go – regardless if I am just running to grocery store or going on a 7 hour drive to OK, he is always game!

5. When I am sick, Charlie is genuinely concerned for my well being – not because he is scared he won’t get dinner, but because he knows I don’t feel well and that makes him sad.

6. Charlie likes to watch the same TV programs I like to watch. These basically consist of cooking shows, HGTV and Animal Cops – however I do see signs of concern occasionally during Animal Cops when there is lots of barking and meowing. I take this as a sign of mutual concern rather than irritation.

7. When I cry, Charlie just sits there and comforts me . .. he does not try to fix anything . . . because he really understands that sometimes I just need to cry.

8. Charlie approves of my wardrobe . . . he especially likes my monkey house shoes but I do have to admit his attempting to snatch them off my feet as we climb the stairs can be a bit hazardous.

9. Charlie does not get jealous when I go out for a girl’s night . . . I allow him his time with his friends and he allows me time with mine because he knows I love him very much and would never run off with another dog.

10. Charlie likes my cooking . . .well, every now and then when I try something new and extravagant and I decide it is not so hot, he has turned tail and run . . but I cannot blame him. I put that down to good taste rather than bad manners.

11. Charlie likes the children – he plays with them, doesn’t mind “kid sitting” on occasion and helps to clean up any food messes they make.

12. Charlie does not like to snuggle all the time . . . I am a very “warm” sleeper and I do not like to snuggle either because I get too warm and I cannot sleep – Charlie allows the perfect amount of room in the bed so he can reach over and give me a kiss without curling up right next to me and causing me to have hot flashes.

With that said, there are a few things that I would hope Mr. X does not have in common with Charlie . . .

1. If bored, Charlie will shred a roll(s) of toilet paper so that is looks like piles of snow throughout the house. This is a big NO, NO.

2. Charlie will, when the mood strikes him, hump things – people, other animals or inanimate objects – this is a HUGE no, no! Crotch sniffing is also out!

3. Charlie does not like for me to shut the bathroom door . . . uh, we don’t need any visuals so I will just say – deal with the bathroom door being shut on occasion.

4. Charlie licks himself. . . won’t go there either . . .

So, that is how I have come to the decision Mr. X should have most of the same characteristics of Charlie . . . Most of all, I am pretty sure if I locked Mr. X and Charlie in the closet or the trunk of my car . . . Charlie would still be happy to see me after I let them out . . .

That Would Have Been Nice to Know . . .

2010-03-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

So I wake up at 2:13 am on Saturday morning . . . but what woke me up? As I lay there trying to go back to sleep I hear it . . the sound that woke me. “BEEP”!!!! Or course, one of the smoke detectors obviously has a battery that is going dead. Really? At 2:13? It cannot go out at 2:00 in the afternoon . . . I am somewhat vertically challenged so I head down stairs to the garage and get the ladder, find a new battery (that I keep for just such occasions) and head back upstairs. I change the stupid “bleeping” battery and put up the ladder and get back in bed. Then I start to think . . . what other things always seem to present themselves at times that are not great . . . or that would have been better to know beforehand.

1. That “R” rating on the movie was for more than the occasional dropping of the “F Bomb”
2. Oops, there is no toilet paper within reach when you really need it.
3. Your son or someone else has left the toilet seat up and you have already been seated
4. The person cutting your hair has NEVER even touched naturally curly hair before.
5. The couple you have invited over for dinner are vegans - as you set a plate of steak on the table
6. Your significant other has a fetish for strippers
7. That cute bunny tattoo on your bikini line will look like a Great Dane during pregnancy and a blob after you give birth
8. Your high school basketball coach is/was a pedophile
9. The milk has gone bad
10. The county you have moved to is DRY . . . Yes, I said Dry. Won’t make that mistake again.

If you can think of other things, I would love to hear of them.

Jiffy Lube and the Muffin Men

2010-03-10T12:03:00.001-06:00

So . . . My car did not pass inspection which meant I had to embark on the entire process of getting the darn thing fixed. The type of work it needed done was not something my daddy could do – he is not a muffler man – he is an engine man! So, I set out to calling different places to see what the new catalytic converter would cost. I was in shock. Prices ranged from $400 to $500 . . .until I called this one place.

Now, I promised the kid on the phone I would not tell anyone he gave me the number because he did not want to get in trouble for referring people to his buddy’s place of business. So I won’t say the name of the Company but I will say it rhymes with Tidas. He refers me to a place called Muffin Muffler – yes, I said Muffin and after I got over my giggling fit he gave me the number and I called. So I go and get the repairs done for $250 and I take my car to some other place after driving it for 100 miles. Apparently the car has the “reboot” system of Windows and it takes FOREVER for it to reset or fix itself. So, I take the car, have it checked and YES – Victory at last. But of course the people who tell me it will now pass inspection do not actually DO the inspection. So I head off to Jiffy Lube.

The ever friendly workers at JL greeted me at my car and helped me inside. It had been raining and the water from outside and the oil on the floor inside do not mix . . .literally and I almost fell on my butt. Anyway, two guys tackled my car – at first I thought this was because I was such a valued customer and then I realized I was the only person in the shop.

Then the kid who initially greeted me comes walking in. Tall and kinda lanky and very talkative. He tells me he is from Lufkin and has recently moved here to attend AA counseling and he has hopes of moving to a “sober house” soon. After which he hopes to start some college courses. He asked questions about me and I answered and he was really a nice kid – 24 years of age, liked to talk and apparently just a drinker because he refused to ever do any drugs. Oh, and he used to be a roughneck and has a cousin who lives in OK and his parents are really proud of him for going into rehab.

Then another car pulled up and out he went to greet and work. Within five minutes my car was finished, I paid and got in my car. There was lots of paperwork sitting on my dash so I started putting it up when I heard a knock on my window. It was the tall lanky kid – he said “I just wanted to tell you to have a nice day . . “ and I was thinking he is so sweet . . . then he handed me a piece of paper and said “you should call me sometime”. OMG! I smiled and said thanks and drove like Jeff Gordon to get out of there.

Here are my objections to this entire situation – he is 13 years my junior and to be honest. . . if he is a recovering alcoholic I am probably the last person on the face of the earth he should even consider hanging out with. Finally – I am pretty sure he only weighed about 110 pounds . .. soaking wet and there is no way in HELL I would “call someone” skinner and lighter than me . . . that is just wrong - I am not a very big person and if you are smaller than me you are either a midget or just plain scrawny.

Promises VS Reality

2010-03-02T21:52:00.000-06:00

So usually my blogs are full of funny stories about my kids and my dog. But I do have a serious side. Many of you know that I recently divorced and I have been through some tough times over the past year. It has been a journey of a lot of self reflection and I have learned much about myself.

I did what I think many people do. I fell in love with someone who promised me the moon but was never able to deliver even the basics of a good and healthy relationship. Sometime I think we get so caught up in the promise we forget to look at the reality. Promises are easy to make . . . but life is what we do every single day. Promises are nice for things we want … a beach house, a new car or that ultimate vacation. Promises should never revolve around our everyday life . . . the ability to communicate, to be better with the kids/family or even to simply spend time with one another.

I read something today that really hit me hard because I realized it was exactly what I had done. Here is the quote: If one settles for a less than pleasing relationships out of the fear of being single and the longing to be a couple, once the relationships falter, the result will be a life full of heartaches. If choosing to remain in the relationship, it will certainly lead to living a life that is not the one truthfully desired..

I wanted so badly to believe in the promises that I kept overlooking the glaring truth. Of course in the end there was the preverbal “straw that broke that camel’s back” but looking back . . . I realized I simply settled. I settled for being someone’s option rather than their priority.

I am writing in part to get this out of my system and part in hopes of that it may help someone else not to make the same mistake I made. So here is my list of things I will insist on when I finally decide to start dating again . . . however I don’t think that will be for while.

1. You must be able to communicate and share your thoughts, feelings and needs. I am not a mind reader and a true relationship must have the ability to communicate. There should never be a topic that is deemed “off limits”.

2. You must show affection. There should be touches, hand holding, kisses and caresses just because . . .

3. You must be dependable. Yes, this means you should be able to hold down a job and help to provide for a family. . . . but dependability goes much further. You should be willing to help out with everyday chores and events. You should be willing to spend time with your family . . . school events, outings with the children, family events and things other than the yearly vacation.

4. Trust – I should not worry about leaving the kids with you. You should put my feelings before others. I should be able to talk to you without fear that you will be mad . . . I should never have to walk on egg shells. I should not worry about what you might bring home from a work trip or night out with the boys – be it an article of clothing that does not belong to you or some communicable disease.

5. You must love me for who I am. Please do not try to change me. I am from Oklahoma and I do speak with a tad bit of an accent . . . I do have sayings that are not always common to others. I like to work in the yard and my nails may not always be manicured perfectly and I have curly, often frizzy hair. My past and all that I have experienced makes me who I am today. I am not perfect, I will disappoint you at sometime for some reason, but that is not personal, that only means I am human.

6. You must realize that I LOVE animals and I will always cry when I see the HSUS or SPCA commercials on TV. I will always choose to adopt a pet rather than buy one with a pedigree. And I honestly think dogs are often a better judge of character than most people.

7. You must be willing to go out and do things I like to do. I will go with you to do things you like and all I ask is that on occasion we go to see a Broadway play or to listen to live music or dancing.

8. Understand that I like to have alone time . . . this does not mean I do not like/love you. This just means that I need time to decompress.

9. I am goofy . . . I like to have fun. This does not mean I am not serious about life or work. But it does mean that on occasion, I turn the music up loud and dance around the house with my kids, I may pass gas just get a laugh from my family and practical jokes are things to be admired.

10. Finally, remember, I am a female. I have the ability to mow the lawn, fix almost anything wrong with my car and I love most sports and can probably beat you in basketball and golf. However, I am a girl; I may cry and get upset over things that seem silly to you. And just because I have the ability to do all of the above . . . does not mean I don’t need or want your help with them . . .

Okay, so that is my list and I know I will probably be adding to it . . . in the end . . . I want all my friends to know . . . NEVER settle for less than what you want . . . NEVER settle for less than what you need . . . We all deserve to be happy . . . and remember promises are nice but life is real . . . so live your life to the fullest.

2010-01-11T21:31:00.001-06:00

Every now and then, as a parent, you have one of those “ I am doing something right” moments. Like a few weeks ago when Andrew informed me he wanted to save most of his $400 dollars (cash, not gift cards) to help pay for his college expenses. He did say he would like to spend $50 or so on a new game for the Xbox Santa so clever delivered during the blizzard in OK, but he did want to contribute to his higher education expense. However, tonight was NOT one of those nights. In fact, tonight was enough to scare the hell out of me.

We were sharing one of those extra special mother son moments tonight – yes, we were watching The Bachelor on ABC. We watched in silence for the first 30 minutes or so . . . then Andrew began to ask questions on how things worked, why the roses were important and why all the girls seemed so young and “girly and giggly”. As I explained, I saw a glimmer in his eye – now I honestly thought “he is hoping someday he can be the BACHELOR”. Not my competitive son. Andrew is the person who will bet on just about anything – how many pieces of macaroni do think are left on my plate? How much do you want to bet that I can eat the entire container of ice cream? Or the fact he thinks he can out run, out score and out play anyone at anything.

Anyway, back to The Bachelor. He looked at me and said “Mom, do they have a show where a woman gets to pick a man instead of the man picking from all the women?” I told him yes and the premise is the same but there is one woman who gets to chose from 25 men. This is when the proud moment came. He then told me he wanted to be on The Bachelorette. I tried to explain to him the difference of being the ONE picking from many verses vying for the affection of one woman (who apparently has issues if she is one TV trying to find true love). Andrew did not seem to grasp this serious concept. I then attempted a different approach “ Andrew, do you seriously want to be trying to win a woman who is probably kissing 20 other men at the same time – comparing you to them?” He looked very perplexed and thoughtful and I was sure I had succeeded in getting my point across until he said “ I should start practicing kissing soon so I can win”. Seriously? WTF? At which point he declared when he was announced the winner of the game (note – not the woman, the game) he said he would turn to the camera and announce “Touchdown” with both hands held high displaying the “scored sign” in football. God help me – I am not sure if I should be proud or completely dismayed. All I know for sure is that I will probably need help stronger than a bottle of wine a Calgon bath.

I'm Just Sayin . . .

2009-12-14T09:25:00.001-06:00

The one thing I love about children in general is they just say what they are thinking. At times this can be a source of embarrassment but at other times it is down right hilarious. I traveled to Dallas over the weekend for my brother’s 40th birthday party. On our way, Andrew and I were discussing the Heisman Trophy announcement which was scheduled for Saturday evening. Colt McCoy is one of Andrew’s idols so he really wanted Colt to win. I told Andrew I almost hoped he did not win. He asked why of course and I explained the folly of those who have won in recent years and how it was almost a curse. We talked about blowing championship games, getting hurt and then I said “And it seems like when the go into the NFL they tend not to do well.” Andrew pondered this for about 20 seconds and then asked me “Hey mom, did Tony Romo win the Heisman?” I told him I didn’t think so. He looked absolutely devastated and said “So, he is just naturally bad?” I started to laugh and he followed up with “I’m just saying . . .” LOL

Spank the Monkey

2009-10-13T08:08:00.000-05:00

So, I am in the kitchen making dinner and I hear the normal sounds coming from the living room, TV monologues, chatter between my two children and Charlie growling and yipping at one of his squeaky toys. These are the sounds that are music to my ears – mainly because there is no fighting or blood curdling screams. I was content until I hear Andrew say “Hey Maddie, wanna watch me spank the monkey?”

At this point my little sense of euphoria goes right out the window. I quickly step into the door way to see what is going on and to my relief Andrew is showing her something on the computer . . . at first I am relieved that he is not in fact “spanking” anything. Then the feeling of doom comes again – what in the world is on the computer because the kids are laughing really hard. Now my mommy sense tells me that if it were something sexual, they would not be laughing they would be asking me a million questions. So I stroll over and see a game on the screen. There is a huge monkey and the object of the game is to “slap” him so hard that he reaches a speed of 200MPH. That was it. I once again resumed my station in the kitchen and finished dinner. I wonder if they have a game called “choke the chicken”?

The Tooth Fairy

2009-10-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

At 5:00 am this morning my son crawled into bed with me and said the 7 words that make all parents cringe in horror. “Mom, the tooth fairy did not come”. Normally, I am not the most alert person as 5:00 am but these words sent my adrenalin production into overdrive. How in the world could the stupid tooth fairy forget to show up? I am pretty sure this would put me in the running for worst mother of the year so I had to devise a plan.

Andrew and I started talking about the rain how it could have possibly delayed the arrival. I mean the weather can back up air ports for hours and hours so why not the tooth fairy? I also pointed out that since he got up soooo early, it could be possible that he just got up before she was able to make her stop. His last name does begin with a “T” which would put him at the end of her route. But he quickly added that since my last name begins with an “M” she should have gone by name rather than his. This spared a debate on does the tooth fairy go by the parent or the child? This was buying me all kinds of time!!!

My brain was beginning to form a plan on how to get the money in there and not destroy the innocence of my child. Then Andrew drops the bomb on me – “You know what I think mom, I think the tooth fairy didn’t come because you came in late (I had a massage appointment last night and got back around 9:30) and you forgot I lost my tooth”. OMG – now to me this is a difficult situation – do I fess up or try to keep the tooth fairy alive. I mean seriously, how much longer can he actually believe some person sneaks into his room at night and pays him for a tooth? But if I fess up on the tooth fairy, I can kiss Santa and the Easter Bunny away too and I do LOVE playing Santa. So, I did what any decent parent would do – I looked my loving little boy straight in the eye and lied like a dog!

After a very convincing speech on how the toothy fairy was real which included references to air, God and the perfect man, the things we cannot see but still believe in anyway, he seemed halfway okay with the notion. At this point, I suggest we take Charlie downstairs to go potty. As I do most mornings, I grabbed my phone and acted like I was checking my messages but I was actually pulling my wallet out to get some cash. And of course the ONLY bill I have in my wallet is a $10. I never realized how much this little slip up would actually cost me. So, by this point I stuff the $10 in my waist band and walk onto the back porch where Andrew is trying to talk Charlie into going out in the rain to go tinkle. Thank you God!!! I realize this is my chance. I told Andrew I had to go potty myself and I would be right back. As soon as I got in the door I ran like I stole something. Once I get into Andrew’s room I reach for the money and it is gone –it had fallen out of my waistband. I found it on the stairs – I grab the tooth, lay out the money out and head back down stairs. My goal was to completely jump over the last two steps – but it was dark and I have short legs and the grace of a duck, so I half way hit the last step, stumble and run smack into the front door, where Andrew finds me. And he says “Mom, what are you doing?” I said “Ummmm, I checking to see if our new flowers on the front porch are getting any of this rain water or if we need to water them”. He believed me!!!!!!! Woo hoo. So we check the flowers and then walk back into the kitchen - I get coffee and we head back upstairs.

Andrew likes to sit with me while I get ready for work. We have some of our most meaningful conversations at this time so we once again begin to discuss the tooth fairy. I asked him if he had checked the ground . . . maybe she left him money and it fell behind the desk since his fan was on . . . You should have seen the spark in the kid’s eye! He walked back in a few moments later holding a $10 bill and a look of utter amazement and confusion on his face. I’m not sure if he was perplexed on how the money got there or the fact he got a $10 for his tooth. In all honesty, probably the best $10 I have spent in a very long time . . .

The Morning Assault . . .

2009-09-29T20:57:00.001-05:00

Anyone who knows me realizes I like dogs more than I like most people. That is for many reasons but mainly because they are completely loyal to you and always seem happy to see you. About 10 years ago I ran a dog rescue out of my home. I lived in a very small town in OK and once they know you take dogs in I pretty much woke up at least twice a week to a new dog on my door step. I personally prefer mutts. They are healthier, do not require a piece of paper to be loved and usually are so darn ugly they are cute.

So about two months ago the kids and I decided to get a dog and of course we checked out the local animal shelters and rescues to find that perfect dog. We spent about two weeks and finally found a dog that met all the rules – the rules were pretty much the fact the dog had to be small since we are currently living in a rental house. That is how we ended up with Charlie.

Charlie is a cross of a mini schnauzer and we think, Jack Russell terrier. Charlie is a very sweet dog. He is not yippy, he is not timid and he loves to play. He is about 7 months old now and is fully potty trained. He sleeps through the night too . . .kinda.

I do not sleep well or much. Typically if I can get 5 hours I am ecstatic so Charlie and I tend to stay up until midnight or after. I get up at 6 to get my much needed cup of coffee in before I get the kids up. However, Charlie has begun what I like to refer to “The Morning Assault”. Again, Charlie is a puppy and puppies like to play. So around 5:30 Charlie wakes up and makes his way to the end of the bed. From what I can tell, he just sits there until I make some sort of move – I am pretty sure if no drastic movement is detected a shallow breath is enough to engage the assault. Once detected, Charlie pounces on me and begins to gnaw and bite and wrestle . . . with my hair. Now, I will give Charlie credit at that time in the morning my hair resembles some sort of scary monster but I don’t THINK it actually fights back. Once the attack has ensued, any attempt on my part to defend myself is taken as a challenge. At this point serious biting, growling and wrestling begins . . . and then Charlie begins to growl and bite back. . .

My attempts to have Charlie sleep with the children have failed miserably. My attempts to keep Charlie up until the wee hours in hopes of him sleeping in have been about as successful as Tony Romo this season. So, I guess I will just realize Charlie is who he is and deal with it . . . Benadryl here we come!

First and Ten - Pass the Baby Powder

2009-09-28T10:15:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the ESPN commercials where the girl is attending a baby shower and watching a game on her phone? When I first saw that commercial I laughed because I thought it was kinda funny and a little “over the top”. Well, I will no longer laugh at such commercials because if could have, I would have done the same darn thing this past weekend.

I attended a baby shower for the daughter of a friend of mine. By some scheduling error, the baby shower started at 2:00 and the UT game started at 2:30. I figured play a baby game, eat some food, open gifts and we are out of there by 3:30 4:00. But NOOOOO – as usual people come draggin ass in 30 minutes to an hour late. Then everyone has to talk and be introduced and of course they are blocking the TV. Me and three other faithful football fans are parked on the couch watching the game but do you think anyone cares that we missed the fist touchdown because someone wants to see a quilt that has been handed down generation to generation? Nope – so I casually mention the fact that the lighting in the kitchen would probably show the detail work better on the quilt – we got to catch the replay.

By 3:30ish it is announced that we are going to begin the viewing of the gifts. Me and my two football cohorts huddle up and decide pausing the game is the best idea – that way we can fast forward through the commercials when we start it back up. I am looking around at all of the people and glance at the pile of gifts and my first thought is – how many outfits does this girl really need? I mean really – it is a baby that is going to puke and poop on everything – put it in a onesie or one of those sack things to make it easier on everyone. But NOOO – we go through each bag very methodically and each bag contains no less than 5 outfits. Of course we have to hold EACH piece of EACH outfit up so everyone can see it, check the sizing of each piece and then discuss where it can be worn. WTF! So as the pile of gifts dwindles and the clock races forward we are excited to be able to turn the game back on at 5:00.

Just as we are about to hit “play” some seriously LATE arrivals show up for the shower – now I am thinking at this point these people are geniuses. Not only did they miss all the introductions and baby shower “fun” but they have probably been at home watching the game and can still get a piece of the cake. So, we hit the play button at which point one of the new arrivals announces the blowout score of the game. Seriously? Me and my two football friends just give up at this point because it really does spoil the fun when you already know the score. Let’s just skip the cake . . . and go home.

All joking aside - I love my friend and would be there for her or her family at ANY time . . . I just hope she doesn't need me durning the UT vs OU game - LOL.

9 Tips for Dating - Shelly's Translation

2009-09-25T14:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I just read an article on Yahoo! titled “9 Signs a Guy is a Keeper”. While I agree with most of them I think I shall interpret them further.

Tip #1 – He has his act together – Shelly translation – he can get his ass out of bed and make it to work on time or get the kids to school or yes, even make it to church on occasion since there seems to be no problem getting out of bed for golf, football or fishing.

Tip #2 – He puts you first – Shelly translation –when you park to go into a store and get out of the car, you don’t have to sprint to catch up with him before he walks through the door. Or your birthday/anniversary comes around and you get to go to dinner with him . . . rather than hoping to see him on the jumbo-tron at some sporting event.

Tip #3 – He’s not afraid of your germs. Shelly Translation – he will actually hand you a Kleenex instead of throwing the box from across the room in fear of your infectiousness.

Tip #4 – He’s a family man – Shelly translation – he knows family member’s by their names (other than mother, father and sibling) rather than referring to them as the "short fat one" or the "geek with no hair" or "pat".

Tip #5 – He makes time for your friends – Shelly translation – he would like to hang out with you and your friends regardless of boob size, child sitting availability in the future or season tickets he/she may own.

Tip #6 – He’s your Biggest Cheerleader – Shelly translation – he is not whiny when you want to go shopping or to dinner with friends rather than sitting at home watching him watch TV.

Tip #7- He remembers the little things – Shelly translation – He knows your birthday or that you worried about an upcoming meeting rather than who was named to the football hall of fame in 1987 or who won the British Open in 1995.

Tip # 8 – He’s Happy When Your Happy – Shelly Translation – he is genuinely happy to do things you like to do just to see you smile – not because he thinks he will get laid or sexual favors for “doing stupid things” like shopping or just taking a walk.

Tip #9 – He makes you the best you can be – Shelly translation – you feel good about yourself when you are around him – rather than plotting ways to secretly cause pain to his person or booby-trap his “precious little car”.

These are just my thoughts and feelings and I realize they are not for the masses – but then again, neither am I!

2009-09-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

I like fish tanks. I think watching fish swim is very relaxing so for the past 5 or 6 years I have kept a Beta in my office. My first beta was named Dirk – he was a pretty blue and I got him during basketball season . . . so of course I named him after my favorite Mav. Dirk must have been the exception to the rule because he lived for almost two years. Once he “passed” I waited a respectable amount of time and went and got another fish – this time we named him Sam. I called to check on Sam while I was on vacation and asked my friend in the office, Amanda Griffith, if she was feeding Sam. She replied yes but when I got back from my vacation I noticed the fish bowl was empty. Apparently, Sam kicked the bucket while I was gone and Amanda did not want to ruin my vacation . . . she is sweet in that way. After Sam, I got Charlie . . . Charlie barely made it two weeks – not really sure what his problem was but he was just not meant to be. Last week, I got another fish – I did not tell anyone in the office about the new fish, nor did I name it – it was a very busy and hectic day – way too hectic to attempt to name a fish. So the next morning when I arrived at work I am looking in the bowl and there is no fish. As I begin to look around I finally find him – dead, dried out like a piece of leather on my desk calendar. He landed and flapped around on Tuesday September 1 and made his way over to Wednesday September 2 as there are little fish scales on those dates. But here are the two big questions – do I strip off the September calendar and just be without a calendar for September? And secondly – why did my fish commit suicide? In answer to my first question, Steve, my big boss, came up with a great solution – we just put sticky notes over those two days so I do not have too look at the crime scene. As for the second question I guess I will never know what early fishood tragedy caused him to jump from his bowl. Many in my office think that fish suicide is a sign that I should probably NOT get another fish . . . but I disagree – now it is more of a quest, a challenge to find the perfect fish . . . that can survive for at least 6 months to year. So now, I have Griff - he has been alive and swimming for 3 days now - we are off to a good start! And I have named him Griff in honor of Amanda Griffith, because when she returns we will not longer have a Griffith - he name will be Harvey . . . Congrats Amanda HARVEY!!!!!

Please Mom, No E-Harmony . . .

2009-09-13T22:26:00.000-05:00

How do you know when you may need help? Well, maybe it is when one of your children begs you, I mean begs you not try E-Harmony. Now, I am not single yet and even when I do become single I somehow doubt I will try E-Harmony. But after 5 seconds of reflection I had to ask . . . why, son, are you so against E-harmony? Apparently, his father had a date via E-harmony prior to meeting his current girlfriend, who we really like, and I am not sure how it went on the actual date, but for my son it was one of those “scarring” experiences of childhood. Apparently, (can you tell I work with lawyers?) when said date took place the kids were left with a babysitter and the sitter watched my two kiddos and the child of the “other woman”. During this date Andrew and the other child was goaded into fighting and then the other child apparently yielded some type of pipe and began to hit my lovely little boy. His sister, aka She-rah Princess of Power, came to his rescue. Therefore I have sworn off E-Harmony! Not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of my children. I will also swear off Cool River and any place that still allows smoking.

Pardon me but your breast is hanging out . . .

2009-08-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

When I woke up this morning my first thought was “When did I start smoking again?” I smoked for almost 12 years and quit about 8.5 years ago. Anyway, I quickly realized that I had not started smoking again but had frequented a night club outside Austin City Limits. If you are inside the city limits there is no smoking in public places but Cool River aka “The Meat Market” is in Round Rock and therefore smoking is allowed inside in designated areas only. Now, in my opinion having a smoking section inside a building is kinda like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

My experience at Cool River was one of horror, amazement and complete hilarity. I have not been out dancing with the girls in probably 12 years or so. Heck, I have been to a bar like that since college. My cohorts got there first and I have to tell ya – these girls LOVE to dance. I am more of a two-stepping kinda girl, but when the band broke out with some “Pour Some Sugar On Me” you know I hit the dance floor.

However, what truly amazes me is this – I am guessing 85% of the women in that bar ages 21 to 55 broke MY cardinal rule. Now, I can actually see why the 21 year olds may think it is okay to leave the house without a bra but I can under no circumstances see why someone over the age of 26 would dream of it – unless of course the wares are after market accessories and I did not see any of those. For goodness sake women – please invest in a strapless bra or at the bare minimum some pasties! I know you think that halter-top has the ability to lift and separate but cotton stretches, the knot comes loose and you end up just hanging out all over the place. I saw more nipples last night than I do when walking down the baby bottle isle at the grocery store. And they only comment I will make on the teeny tiny mini skirts is please – put on some panties or wax.

Secondly, the men who stand around the dance floor for their viewing pleasure really creep me out. I watched two guys who scoped the dance floor out for about 10 minutes and then they would jump out there and start dancing. It was not difficult to figure out their grand (mating) plan – they looked for the woman/women who appeared to be the most trashed and were in need of assistance of not falling on their ass. This gives the said vultures the grand opportunity to bump, grind and grope at will.

All in all it was grand fun and I cannot wait to go out with the girls again – but this time I will suggest someplace inside Austin city limits . . . I wonder if any have a No shirt, No bra, No service policy?

I give that dive an A for effort - now give me my meds.

2009-08-02T01:22:00.001-05:00

I have officially become closer to 40 than my mid 30’s. I came to this conclusion tonight after a play session with Charlie ( my new rescue dog)and attempting to get up off the floor. My knees hurt, my lower back feels as if someone has vise grip on it and as usual, my ankles pop loud enough to startle the dog or wake a sleeping baby. Actually, when my little ones were very little, I did not walk out of the room after putting them down to sleep. Rather I shuffled my feet along the carpet without bending my ankles at all because when I first start walking my ankles pop so loud they actually woke up my new born infants
Anyway, I have been struggling for a few weeks now. At first I blamed it on the move. You know packing boxes, hauling boxes upstairs, running from the neighbor because you don’t have a bra on – those types of things. But the soreness never really went away. So, then I blamed it on my brother, Monty. Which I guess technically is was not his fault but I was at his house last weekend. Then the “kid” who was on the dive team for TCU was teaching Andrew how to do back flips and for some darn reason the phrase “I can do that” came out of my mouth and of course I had to try to do a back flip off the dive board. Now, I did not really get it on my first try, nor my second, third . . . eighth – you get the picture. But I talked myself into believing that the reason my body parts hurt was directly correlated to the back/butt/side/ head busters I ended up doing in my brother’s pool – or of course there is the fact the dive board has very little spring to it and I obviously need some spring.
Then tonight I had to refill my “pill box” (yes, I have a pill box broken down into AM/PM for all types of stuff that should make me live forever) and I realized that I have not been taking my glucosamine for almost 3 weeks now! Which really excited me for about a minute. I am not old! I am not hurting because I tried to do back flips off an un-bouncy board – I just have not taken my meds . . . OMG – I am old.

K Fed is Apparently Fat

2009-07-29T08:42:00.001-05:00

I am just wondering what it says about our society when I pull up Yahoo! and one of the top stories is Kevin Federline’s recent weight gain. I mean seriously, it was bad enough that every time you turned on the TV for the past 3 weeks all you could see was Michael Jackson’s children being exploited, or questioning how many plastic surgeries he actually had. But K Fed? I mean this guys claim to fame was he was married to Brittany Spears and has to actually care for his own children because Brittany has the mothering skills of Margret White or Andrea Yates.

By the way, when my kids heard of Michael’s death Andrew was very, very upset. He came to me teary eyed and said “Mom, I can’t believe Michael Jackson is dead.” And when I hugged him and asked him why his reply was “He was the best basketball player ever . . . “

Goodbye Phoebe

2009-07-21T07:59:00.000-05:00

A great sadness has entered our new little home. Sunday evening when the kids and I returned home, Madison noticed something wrong with our hamster, Phoebe. I had noticed over the past several days she was not eating much and she was not playing at night like she usually did. Madison said it looked like something was wrong with one of her front legs. When I reached in a picked her up she started SCREECHING. OMG – I have never heard anything of the like. Such a loud sound coming from a small little fur ball was unsettling. Phoebe also had a very bad odor to her. Yes, I know that most hamsters tend to have a smell but Phoebe had always been very clean so the stench that arose was surprising. When I calmed her down, I noticed the entire left side her body was very swollen and it was different from her stuffing her pouches.

I called the emergency vet and they asked a number of questions and then told me to go ahead and bring her in – but if there were kids in the house to prepare them because she would likely not be coming home. Turns out Phoebe had a huge tumor! The vet said they could grow in rodents (how dare he call my sweet Phoebe a rodent) very, very quickly. So, I had her put to sleep. They wrapped her in a little cloth and I took her home. Now Phoebe lies in burial in the front flowerbed.

The kids were upset for about 27 seconds before they asked if we could get a dog . . .

Now with REAL Chicken

2009-07-16T15:52:00.000-05:00

Madison, Andrew and I were discussing our trip to Waco tonight. They are heading back to Dallas for the weekend. It is Cliff’s birthday and they have some activities planned for Friday night so he asked that I bring them tonight.

As we were eating lunch today, we were discussing where to stop for dinner tonight – our Waco Tradition. I personally loathe most of the fast food giants – McDonalds, Burger King and the like and luckily, my kids too prefer the more upscale eateries such as Chick-Fil-A and Subway. Madison of course suggested Magic China as she has a fondness for fried rice, sweet and sour chicken and hot tea. Andrew, however, prefers more traditional food aka chicken nuggets. So Madison suggested that she and I east at Magic China and we stop on our way at Wendy’s and pick up Andrew’s favorite meal – the 10 piece chicken nugget and fry combo. To our amazement, he said he would no longer be eating at Wendy’s! Madison asked him why and he said he was really bothered by a recent commercial he saw in which Wendy’s was advertising their NEW chicken nuggets that are “NOW made with real chicken”. He wonders now, as do many, what the heck are actually in the aforementioned chicken nuggets?

Now, I have told my children they may ask me any question and I will give them the best answer I can but that even though I am older than dirt – there are a few things I do not know. This is one of those questions that I do not have a good answer for and in all honesty, I am scared to death to find out. It is kinda like asking what exactly is in a hot dog . . . Andrew and I do not eat hot dogs either (well once a year at the fair we share a corn dog, but that is deep fried and doesn’t count as a hot dog any longer). I mean seriously, I will go to Sonic and order a foot long chili cheese dog and ask them to hold the weenie . . . which always gets a chuckle or “What did you say?” and I tell them all I want is the bread, chili, cheese and onions. I refuse to ask the question “What is the chili made of?”

So I am the Office Mom - I Have Been Called Worse

2009-07-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

I think it is high time address the fact that I am known as "The Office Mom". Now, anyone who knows me would probably agree that I am borderline ADD or ADHD. However, since traditional medications have the opposite effect on me, I tend to deal with any "problems" and use them to my advantage. Thus the simple term multi-tasking does not really apply to me - I tend to me more of a contained tornado or a positive "El Nino" effect.

I am motherly by nature - or bossy - which ever you choose to call it. I like to help others and tend to have some creative ideas on what to do / not to do. I also have the unfortunate characteristic of being blatantly honest - to a fault. If you want an honest answer - ask me - if you want to feel better about yourself even though that outfit would look better on a corpse - don't' ask.

But motherly instinct has landed me in the position of listening to many of my coworkers on different issues and problems. I have also landed to position of taking care of all celebrations of the office. WHICH I LOVE. I get to plan activities and parties for the people I spend most of my time. I love these people -they have been with me through so many parts of my life. They are the ones I look forward to seeing everyday, they are the ones who always give me sound advice an they are the ones who love me for me. However recent advice from certain individuals would qualify as borderline insane and I have chosen to disregard - sorry. I appreciate the effort but it is best left in the 1940's.

So I don't mind loading the dishwasher, cleaning the tables and microwave, picking up stuff left over from parties and the God forsaken Friday activity - The Cleaning of the Fridge. Well I kinda do mind the cleaning of the fridge cause I just have to say - some of that stuff in there is just plain NASTY and I am pretty sure toxic.

However I do not stock the snacks, I do not keep up with the toner for the printers and I am certainly not Paul's keeper (well sometimes but only on occasion). I do not do laundry or ironing, I do not do windows and I refuse to keep a snake in my office - however I appreciate the offer Steve.

Therefore, I proudly take up the name office mom. The definition I found that I liked best is: Mom: something or someone that gives rise to or exercises protecting care over something or someone else. I will take care of all my fellow co-workers, friends and family members as needed. I do not ask many questions and legality is not typically not an issue for me.

Side note: just because I am "The Office Mom" does NOT mean I am old. Nor does the fact that I wear a watch (aka fashion accessories) mean I an ancient. I just like to take care of my peeps and be punctual.

If I Kill It - I should Probably Eat It.

2009-07-12T23:29:00.000-05:00

Okay so everyone knows that I am one of the biggest animal people ever - I mean I do like dogs more than I like most people - just because with a dog you know what you get. You get a nose in the crotch "aka the dogs personal playground", you get the feeling of being needed and wanted all at the same time and if you are lucky, you get a great cuddle bug.

Anyway, my kids both have inherited my love me of animals. We actually saw an armadillo today on the road - we were at a stop sign and the kids were almost crying because apparently this poor creature had been hit and drug down the road. What was left of its carcass was in a neat little package right beside the car for the kids to gawk at.

A few weeks ago Andrew and I were on a run. And he asked me what we were having for dinner. I told him fried catfish. Andrew is not a fish eater so I was really surprised that he said he wanted to go try the fish because he was told in order for him to go fishing he needed to be able to eat what he caught. So I said "great!!! You should try the fish"

Then as we ran a little longer, he said "I think I want to go hunting". Now this surprised mye since Andrew still cries when he talks about my parent's dog dying last year. And he went on to tell me that he was told that in order to go hunting he needed to be ready to eat what ever he killed. I told him I thought that was a great idea - then he said "Well, I guess I better shoot a cow". OMG I about died right there in the middle of the street because he was seriously thinking that he could go and just hunt and shoot a cow. So I asked him about chicken and he said "I can eat chicken . . . I could shoot a chicken."

I love the way a child's mind works . . .

I am no longer ther newest people in the neighborhood!

2009-07-12T16:38:00.000-05:00

A new family has moved in one house down! They have an almost 5 year old boy named Alex and a 9 year old girl, Olivia. Now Olvia is not blonde but apparently she is still hot because Andrew is all in a tithy. We just went swimming with the new neighbors and had a fabulous time. God is Good to put such wonderful people in our life so quickly.

On another front - we now have two new betas in the house. Madison has a red one and she named him Booth - from Bones. Andrew's fish is a blue/green and his name is Max. Thank goodness there was not a pet deposit for the fish!

Anyway, we are completely settled in and have most of what we need - now I will begin with the wants! I want a dog but will need to save up for the pet deposit. Then there are lots of peices of furniture I would love to have for the hosue but I look forward to finding these treasurers at garage and estate sales or consignment shops.

Andrew and I are going to make cookies . . . and then we are all making homeade pizza's for dinner. Have a good evening!

Can I Get an AMEN!

2009-07-10T18:25:00.000-05:00

So, I am sitting at my brother’s house in Grapevine waiting to go pick up my kids. I am really excited and ready to see them. They have been with their dad for a week now and I think that is just a bit too long . . . I am sure he thinks other wise.

So one of the girls in our office is moving and since I just completed a move I have a lot of boxes for her – yeah! I hate to waste anything. So I told her I would bring them to her at work. Well when I got home last night, I spoke to Kate (my next door neighbor) and she was telling me the low down on the other people in the neighborhood. The guy that lives door to her, I think Todd, is the social butterfly of the area. Apparently he is the person who knows EVERYONE. After getting all the details I had to run some errands. I came home and it was close to 9:30 and I hit the shower. And of course I think of packing boxes – by the way I have not put them in my car yet. So I throw on my PJ’s (and I am sorry to disappoint but they are shorts and a tank) and head out to the garage. As I am loading up the last of the boxes "Todd" comes out of his front door. It is like he has radar – he sees me and yells “Hello there” and begins heading my way. OMG! Now normally I am more than social and love to meet new people but I was so not in the mood or the clothes to be talking to anyone in the driveway. So I did what any good new neighbor would do – I ran like hell. I hit the garage door button and think I saw Todd’s sneakers just as the door met the ground.

I am not so vain as to not want people to see me without make-up or my hair drippin wet. But I do live by one rule – you NEVER and I mean NEVER leave the house without a bra. Which most people who know me probably don’t get it since I am not …. Well blessed in that way. But I was raised Southern Baptist and while they never mentioned that as one of the great sins (dancing, fornicating and apparently women having a job or an opinion) I am pretty sure that is why I have such a strong aversion to built in bra’s (which really don’t’ work) and the lack of bras altogether. So, I will have to make cookies or some other “forgive me” gift and take over – fully clothed.

Okay, that is it for now. I hope you all have a great Friday evening and I will blog you soon . . . Peace

My New Life Deserves a Blog

2009-07-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

Most of you are aware that I have recently started a new chapter in my life . . . so in honor of the momentous occasion I have decided to start a blog. Woo hoo!

I am sure most of my information will pertain to my children who are an endless source of fun, amazement and hilarity and likely our hamster, Phoebe, who always finds a way out of her cage.

The most exciting news as of late is I have finally settled on a name for my new beta . . . his name is Charlie. I know this may not seem like much, but alas my children are still in Dallas with their father and my sources of entertainment have been few and far between this week. Phoebe is not the best company as she does not like to cuddle on the couch and tends to pee too often to keep out for any great length of time.

I am excited about the fact my new house is only 2 blocks from the elementary school Andrew will be attending and 2 blocks from the community swimming pool. I have the house completely unpacked and it is ready for the goats . . . I mean kiddos to come home. I met some of my neighbors over the past few days. Two little boys live across the street ages 4 and 8. When speaking with the father (who is apparently the soon to be ex-husband and no longer living there) informed me that there were a few smaller kids, under the age of two who live close. There is also some man they have nicknamed “The Hermit” because he rarely comes out of his house. Then there are two young girls, ages 11 and 9, who live down the street. When informing my kids of the possible play / schoolmates in the area, Andrew was more concerned if the girls were blonde rather than details on the boy closer to his age. Go figure.

My next door neighbor is a sweet girl by the name of Kate. She is single and her boyfriend stays with her on occasion. She told me not to be startled by his appearance as he has a long scraggly beard and wears t-shirt – I am just glad it was t-shirts and not wife beaters. I now have a vision of Chong (from Cheech and Chong and if you don’t who they are you are probably too young to be reading my blog) in my mind and wonder if he also wears headbands. She also informed me that the people who live directly behind me tend to have loud parties in the back yard about once a month. She mentioned speakers, singing and drums. This should be interesting . . . because I have always wanted to learn to play the drums . . .

Tomorrow I go to Dallas to pick up my kiddos and bring them to our new casa . . . I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am sure Phoebe will be excited for them to come home so my time will be occupied elsewhere.